We Don't Know!! Also, Let's Talk About Gender vs Sex.

Well hello there!  Look at me, successfully updating this blog.  I'm pretty proud of myself, especially since I'm finding out that "pregnancy brain" is real.  Seriously,  you guys.  I can't tell you how many times I've walked into a room to do something and forgotten why I'm there.  Or those times when I'm forgetting a common English word when having a conversation with someone (for example, cabinet was a word I forgot JUST THIS MORNING).  All fun.

Anyhow, this week we had our FIRST real appointment where they ask you all of the questions about you and your health and your partner's health and try to really pin down the due date, make you pee in a cup, make you give blood for some lab work, etc.  It really wasn't too bad, and I really like my midwife team.  All seems to be well and we just have to wait for lab results to come back.

But since we are nearing the end of the first trimester people are now starting to ask THE question.  Or, really, a series of questions.  Do you know the gender?  What do WANT to have?  What do think/feel like it is? Will you have more kids if you get a boy/girl first?

And before I answer all of those questions for you I need to get something off of my chest: people are not using the word gender correctly.  A general definition search of "gender" will bring back a couple of results very similar to this one:  "the state of being male or female (typically used with reference to social and cultural differences rather than biological ones)." ~Dictionary.com (underlining and italics added by me for emphasis).

Here's the thing,  I cannot answer your question because this baby has not been born yet or decided how they want to be defined in terms of gender.  Biologically speaking, we don't know yet which 2 chromosomes combined at the moment of conception so are unsure of the biological sex of said future baby.  And please don't give me the semantics talk.  Clearly it's become very apparent in recent years that our dialogue around biological makeup versus gender identity needs to change for the better; to be less divisive in our understanding of male and female and to just let people be.

Let's take a little trip back down memory lane to when I was a small child.  Being biologically female, it was assumed that I would like certain things and be interested in specific "female" activities.  This was partially true as I loved to play dress up, wear dresses and put on makeup, played with dolls, took tap/jazz/ballet classes, the list goes on and on.  But it was also a little harmful to my identity (don't worry, it was nothing too traumatic and I worked through it) because once I was school aged I also discovered that I loved rocks and dinosaurs, that bugs were pretty cool, and that being outside was a preferred play location which were definitely out of the scope of what I knew to be "girl" things to do or like.

Here's where it became harmful- I remember very clearly when being asked in school what I wanted to do when I grew up and I was consciously censoring myself to my classmates and to the adults around me that I wanted to be a teacher or a nurse.  I didn't really want to be either of those things at all, but because our society has had some pretty solid gender identity rules that I was learning, I thought that if I told the truth about what I really wanted to be I would be made fun of.  That my friends would think I was strange or stupid.  That someone would tell me that I had to pick something else because girls don't become scientists and get to explore or discover anything. So I did the next best thing I could think of at that age and stared lying about what I wanted to be. So silly, I know.

And what was it that I really wanted to be?  A god damned Paleontologist.  My parents bought me countless books on geology and dinosaurs and I was endlessly fascinated each time we got to go to the natural history museum and look at all of the fossils on display. I was encouraged by my parents and my teachers as I excelled in science classes, but I was also very uncomfortable admitting to anyone that I wanted to do something that was considered "masculine".  At that time I don't recall any female scientists, geologist or paleontologists in my books, giving talks on tv shows or being referenced in the displays and pictures at the museum.  All I saw were men and my tiny little child mind thought, "there's no way I could be one of these men, so I have to pick something else." And the reality is that my friends all said "I want to be a teacher", "I want to be a nurse", or "I want to be a mom" and so I felt like I needed to conform to that as well and pick something from the "grown up girl" list to be.

Let me be extremely clear.  My parents were, and are still, absolutely amazing.  They always encouraged me and my sister to pursue our passions.  They were never negative about our interests or passions (and were super into some of the same things we were as kids- hence the rock tumbler I got for Christmas in 1st grade, or the books about dinosaurs for my birthday, the trips to the museums to check out the latest exhibits, etc).  I think they didn't realized the pressure I felt as a very young girl to conform to the societal ideals of what a "girl" should eventually grow up and become.  If they had, I'm positive my parents would have pulled me aside and said "That's ridiculous, you can become a paleontologist if you want!" and I'm sure my mom would have immediately researched a list of female scientists to tell me all about.

Spoiler alert!  I didn't become a paleontologist or any sort of scientist.  I let that dream die because I thought that it wasn't the line of work for me because I was a "girl". As I've gotten older I'm a little upset that I suppressed that desire.  At this point I can't let it be a regret, but I can try to create an environment where some of those nonsensical stereotypes aren't adhered to so that my future child can be a scientist, or an artist, or a dancer, or a giant purple people eater.  You get it; people shouldn't feel some unspoken pressure to do or not do something just because of their biological sex and our cultural attitudes about them.

As Mr and I prepare to become parents, I'm really taking a deep look at some of my childhood memories and experiences.  I'm unpacking some of the things that made me scared or anxious or uncomfortable so I can try to make sure that we make things a little easier for our little one if its something we can control.  And you know what I can control?  Changing the way we speak about gender.  The way we define what gender roles and stereotypes mean to us and how we, hopefully, don't press too much onto our child that will limit their future.

Maybe some people think this is a little too woo-woo or hippy dippy but I don't care.  I've seen the damage done because of it... and I'm not just talking about the extremely SMALL amount in my life.  I want kids to be kids and enjoy what they want to enjoy without worrying if they fit into a gender stereotype.  I don't want them to feel limited to what they can grow up and become because it's not the "masculine" or "feminine" norm.  We have definitely gotten better since I was young and there are a ton more female role models in male-dominated careers, as well as plenty more men doing what used to be considered more "feminine" careers.  We still have some things to change, though, and the words we use are an important part in making these changes.

Now I will answer all of those questions:

1. Sex- we don't know!!  We will hopefully know soon and will definitely make an announcement.

2. No preference.  SERIOUSLY.  We want a healthy baby.  And sex doesn't really matter.  I've thought about it A LOT and there are things that I think I will enjoy with either and then things I think I won't enjoy... so really I don't care.

3. I may be slightly psychic/intuitive but this is not one of those things I know.

4. Can you let me have this one first?  We don't know yet!!