All of that to say, I'm exhausted and overwhelmed and over it all and need to process that by explaining it all to you, my lovely readers and friends.
Let's start by telling you my MBTI or Cognitive Function type (that you may or may not agree with, but I'm not here to debate different tactics and tools for evaluation). I have been scored as an INFJ, standing for Introvert, Intuitive, Feeling, Judging type. You may have NO IDEA what any of that means, so I'll give a super high level, fast and loose explanation just so you sort of understand what I'm talking about here (no need to write to me and give me the what-for if you are an expert... I KNOW this is leaving a ton of info out, just go with me here).
Overall, INFJ's are known as the Counselor or the Advocate. We are very intuitive and can usually figure out how someone feels before that person even knows how they feel; we are very observant. We trust our gut instincts and we can read people well. We have a super strong sense of morality and personal integrity and are usually big nurturers of others. We love to help people work through their issues to find long lasting solutions (Help me to help you... or Teach a Man to Fish...). A lot of us feel a need to make the world a better place for everyone. We have a tendency to be private and reserved, especially if we don't know you well, and we let few people into our "inner circle". Mostly we value genuine and deep connections with people, and really dislike surface level interactions such as small talk. We can also be seen as walking contradictions since we may seem so calm or reserved to the casual observer, but can feel things extremely deeply. All of this does not mean we don't have our flaws.
First off - the Introvert trait; as you may well know there is a spectrum (yes, in all of these you can "dial" up or down a level of this trait/function, but your score is based off of your default preference, and just because you have a preference doesn't always mean you completely lack a certain trait or lack the ability to learn how to use more of one of the other functions ). I fall more on the Introvert side of the spectrum versus Extrovert, which can be super surprising for people. The reason for this is that I absolutely LOVE people, however I find them draining and need copious amounts of alone time in order to recharge. I can definitely show up at a party and socialize and be charming and outgoing, but unlike an Extrovert, I have to balance that with my need for seclusion so the fun and bubbly lady you see on a Saturday night is likely not going to be out and about for a few days after that interaction if she can help it at all. You may catch me on an "alone" day after I've been "people-ing" and thought, "wow she looks ill, " or maybe, "she seems grumpy" and you are not far off. Once I've hit my fill of socializing it becomes a physical, mental and emotional need to not socialize for a bit or I start feeling like I'm getting sick, I have a hard time paying attention, I'm super sleepy, and may even be a bit grouchy. I do, however really love one on one time with people where we can deeply connect and talk about real things, or even small groups of my close friends. That is much less draining to me, and in some instances can even energize me to a point (but only to a point, then it starts taking some of my spoons again, as they say).
I make absolutely no secret that I'm an introvert. I actually think that we need to teach children about these functions/attributes early on and give them language on how to deal with who they are much earlier so that they don't grow up feeling "incorrect". I always felt like something was a little bit wrong with me because we live in a culture that is built for the Extrovert. It is an expectation that people be social and want to surround themselves with other people, and be able to sustain a high level of connection and socialization. I didn't understand until much later (college) that it was acceptable to NOT want to socialize all of the time and that it was actually healthy for me to want to be alone sometimes. This caused some frustrations to my younger self, but as I've gotten older I've learned some skills for how to more successfully navigate this Extrovert's paradise in a healthy way... but we will go over that in a different post on a different day. Back to the MBTI!
My second function is Intuition, which is all about how we perceive/sense the world. In short, I tend to be more abstract with my thinking and not consciously notice patterns or details (until questioned about it and forced to find the words), but I still gather that information and put it all together to complete a puzzle of the overall picture very quickly. If you've been around me for any time at all, it may seem like I'm calculating and collecting information, but really if I try to describe my inner process it's more like this: I walk into a room and just get a gut feeling about things. I can't even always put things into words right away, it's just feelings and observations that are quickly shaken up all together in my head and then somehow I have a mostly complete picture of what's happening in that room before anyone can tell me. This can be super useful when at a social event and I need to read the temperature of the room to know how to act, what to talk about, etc. (for the most part... I can be a total blundering idiot sometimes too...). It can be super uncomfortable when someone is keeping a big secret or there was an uncomfortable moment before I walked in and I can FEEL EVERYONE'S WEIRD FEELS but can't quite tell where it came from or why it's happening (although, sometimes I can but since no one brought it up I'm left trying to figure out how to bring it up so we can release the tension in the room or if I just try to redirect everyone to something else and hope no one else can feel the grossness in the room until it diffuses).
My third function is Feeling, which is my preferred way to make decisions versus someone who has a "Thinking" cognitive process. This doesn't mean that I don't think... I think ALL THE TIME, but it does mean that I prefer to base my decisions off of feelings and what social or emotional implications will be for myself and others versus the straight "facts" of a situation. Sometimes what I decide will seem illogical to some, but to me I've quickly worked through the long-term effects of a decision and seen the probable possibilities based off of many factors and will usually err on the side of what will cause the least amount long-term issues for all involved. Sometimes that means my decisions seem too kind and "everyone should feel good with this" niceness to the outside observer, while other times it may seem like I'm being completely cold and uncaring... but to me, it's what causes the least amount of unpleasantness long term.
Finally, my last functional preference is Judging (versus Perceiving), which is just how I prefer to orient myself to the outside world. As creative and floating and open as we INFJ's may seem, Judging types prefer to plan things ahead of time and give all things a structure with which to fit. I am super organized and clean and detail oriented. I'm not worried about how other people perceive this, but my main motivation is that I prefer this sort of structured environment as a way to create a somewhat predictable schedule for myself as well as give myself a small amount of control over something in my life (while fully acknowledging that there are few things that I truly can control... which makes having a clean house that much more satisfying to me). I am also a bit of a perfectionist, because in the fantastic words of David Rose (from Schitt's Creek), there are ways to do things that are categorically "CORRECT", or thoroughly "INCORRECT". And it's not just a matter of the rule says this so follow the rule; for me there is a whole host of reasons why the rule exists and should be followed, and only very rarely "broken"... in which case the reasons for not following the rule need to be carefully weighed and have far better long term consequences than just simply following the rule. It's very straightforward to me, but we may need to sit down one on one to discuss the specifics... so hit me up if you are ready for that discussion.
That was a whole lot of information about how I generally prefer to interact with and perceive the world around me, which I think is important for people to understand before I share the following.
This past weekend my sister and mother threw me the customary Baby Shower. In theory I really like the idea of a shower where you can gather with friends and family and celebrate the coming of a new life. At the same time, huge parties where I have to be the center of attention are NOT AT ALL a thing I'm super comfortable with or craving. I love hosting parties, but I don't want to be the focus of the party. I love talking with friends and family, but it feels super forced when there is a REASON for everyone to be together other than just good food and drinks to share. And gifts... don't even get me started. Of course I love to receive a nice gift, who doesn't? But I hate the feeling that I have of people giving me a gift because it's the customary and expected thing to do, and I also get this weird guilty feeling as if I'm forcing people to buy gifts for me (Us, really since in this case they benefit the baby and Mr.).
Anyhow, you throw all of my aforementioned personality traits/functional preferences into a blender and add in the fact that I am hugely pregnant and tired and then pour that smoothie into a Baby Shower that is FOR ME AND MY UNBORN CHILD and you get one completely exhausted person. I have a "hangover" from the weekend and I just can't quite recover. Everyone was there for me! And everyone wanted to talk to me! And everyone brought wonderful gifts for me (and baby)! And everyone sat around watching me! And all I could think about the whole time was how much I just wanted to go hide in the kitchen and eat my gluten free bundt cake, cry and then take a nap (and take my shirt off because I was SO SWEATY). It makes me feel like an awful human being, like I'm a cold, rude person who is hoarding gifts and cake and doesn't want to say thank you or listen to anyone else. It also makes me feel like an ungrateful ass who doesn't appreciate other people (which I know is not true of myself... but guilt/shame spirals are REAL) because I know my mom and sister put a lot of time, energy, money and work into throwing me a BEAUTIFUL and fun shower that I truly do appreciate.
Then comes the work that goes into unpacking and sorting all of the gifts and finishing setting up the baby's room. It felt like I have been given one more project to do, and I'm already tired and overwhelmed. I was so glad that it snowed on Monday morning and that I could work from home because having a weekend fully packed with "people-ing" truly did make me feel like I was physically ill and would die if I had to face anyone at all. I spent the day working from my living room on my laptop (telecommuting for the win!) in my sweats, trying to rehydrate properly and eating tons of fruit. Instead of a lunch break I took a nap, and then I started to organize the gifts we'd been given into categories that I could more easily manage and created a checklist of To Do's for myself to help organize the perceived chaos. In the afternoon my sister who diligently took notes during the gift opening portion of the party sent me the list of who gifted us what and I created my Thank You Card list that I can start working on later this week as well. In the end I felt SO MUCH BETTER and could actually appreciate what wonderful friends and family I have and how much love this little baby already has. We got some incredibly amazing and thoughtful gifts (and found out I have some crafty friends and family!) and I don't know how we would make it in this life without the support of our friends and family. Babies are EXPENSIVE YA'LL.
Ugh, that was a lot. So if you've made it this far, thanks for sticking with me.
Morals of this story:
- Even when you know how you prefer to function, you can't always do that and there will be consequences (good and bad).
- Cut yourself some slack and take care of yourself- mentally, physically and emotionally.
- Acknowledge your "negative" emotions and feel them, but don't dwell on them. You can only heal what you can feel.
- If you know an introvert, or someone whose functions and preferences are out of the extroverted/outgoing nature we like to impose on people here in the West please take a step back and try to not force things on them. Respect boundaries and try to understand that people are all coming from different places. Just because a crowded bar on a Friday night sounds like fun to you doesn't mean your bestie/spouse/partner is on the same page.
- I'm super quirky and I know it.
- Mr is literally the only person I could ever be in a long term relationship because he sees all of this and still loves me and is SO DAMN GOOD at respecting boundaries and helping me get back on track when I need it. Also, he's the only person I can stand having in my space for more than a day (don't get the wrong idea, we still need our own space and time... but he's an introvert as well, so it works out).
- I really should just go back to school and continue my education in Psychology.
Final note- wanna hang out at my house, drink wine, eat cheese and talk about people stuff?
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