We Don't Know!! Also, Let's Talk About Gender vs Sex.

Well hello there!  Look at me, successfully updating this blog.  I'm pretty proud of myself, especially since I'm finding out that "pregnancy brain" is real.  Seriously,  you guys.  I can't tell you how many times I've walked into a room to do something and forgotten why I'm there.  Or those times when I'm forgetting a common English word when having a conversation with someone (for example, cabinet was a word I forgot JUST THIS MORNING).  All fun.

Anyhow, this week we had our FIRST real appointment where they ask you all of the questions about you and your health and your partner's health and try to really pin down the due date, make you pee in a cup, make you give blood for some lab work, etc.  It really wasn't too bad, and I really like my midwife team.  All seems to be well and we just have to wait for lab results to come back.

But since we are nearing the end of the first trimester people are now starting to ask THE question.  Or, really, a series of questions.  Do you know the gender?  What do WANT to have?  What do think/feel like it is? Will you have more kids if you get a boy/girl first?

And before I answer all of those questions for you I need to get something off of my chest: people are not using the word gender correctly.  A general definition search of "gender" will bring back a couple of results very similar to this one:  "the state of being male or female (typically used with reference to social and cultural differences rather than biological ones)." ~Dictionary.com (underlining and italics added by me for emphasis).

Here's the thing,  I cannot answer your question because this baby has not been born yet or decided how they want to be defined in terms of gender.  Biologically speaking, we don't know yet which 2 chromosomes combined at the moment of conception so are unsure of the biological sex of said future baby.  And please don't give me the semantics talk.  Clearly it's become very apparent in recent years that our dialogue around biological makeup versus gender identity needs to change for the better; to be less divisive in our understanding of male and female and to just let people be.

Let's take a little trip back down memory lane to when I was a small child.  Being biologically female, it was assumed that I would like certain things and be interested in specific "female" activities.  This was partially true as I loved to play dress up, wear dresses and put on makeup, played with dolls, took tap/jazz/ballet classes, the list goes on and on.  But it was also a little harmful to my identity (don't worry, it was nothing too traumatic and I worked through it) because once I was school aged I also discovered that I loved rocks and dinosaurs, that bugs were pretty cool, and that being outside was a preferred play location which were definitely out of the scope of what I knew to be "girl" things to do or like.

Here's where it became harmful- I remember very clearly when being asked in school what I wanted to do when I grew up and I was consciously censoring myself to my classmates and to the adults around me that I wanted to be a teacher or a nurse.  I didn't really want to be either of those things at all, but because our society has had some pretty solid gender identity rules that I was learning, I thought that if I told the truth about what I really wanted to be I would be made fun of.  That my friends would think I was strange or stupid.  That someone would tell me that I had to pick something else because girls don't become scientists and get to explore or discover anything. So I did the next best thing I could think of at that age and stared lying about what I wanted to be. So silly, I know.

And what was it that I really wanted to be?  A god damned Paleontologist.  My parents bought me countless books on geology and dinosaurs and I was endlessly fascinated each time we got to go to the natural history museum and look at all of the fossils on display. I was encouraged by my parents and my teachers as I excelled in science classes, but I was also very uncomfortable admitting to anyone that I wanted to do something that was considered "masculine".  At that time I don't recall any female scientists, geologist or paleontologists in my books, giving talks on tv shows or being referenced in the displays and pictures at the museum.  All I saw were men and my tiny little child mind thought, "there's no way I could be one of these men, so I have to pick something else." And the reality is that my friends all said "I want to be a teacher", "I want to be a nurse", or "I want to be a mom" and so I felt like I needed to conform to that as well and pick something from the "grown up girl" list to be.

Let me be extremely clear.  My parents were, and are still, absolutely amazing.  They always encouraged me and my sister to pursue our passions.  They were never negative about our interests or passions (and were super into some of the same things we were as kids- hence the rock tumbler I got for Christmas in 1st grade, or the books about dinosaurs for my birthday, the trips to the museums to check out the latest exhibits, etc).  I think they didn't realized the pressure I felt as a very young girl to conform to the societal ideals of what a "girl" should eventually grow up and become.  If they had, I'm positive my parents would have pulled me aside and said "That's ridiculous, you can become a paleontologist if you want!" and I'm sure my mom would have immediately researched a list of female scientists to tell me all about.

Spoiler alert!  I didn't become a paleontologist or any sort of scientist.  I let that dream die because I thought that it wasn't the line of work for me because I was a "girl". As I've gotten older I'm a little upset that I suppressed that desire.  At this point I can't let it be a regret, but I can try to create an environment where some of those nonsensical stereotypes aren't adhered to so that my future child can be a scientist, or an artist, or a dancer, or a giant purple people eater.  You get it; people shouldn't feel some unspoken pressure to do or not do something just because of their biological sex and our cultural attitudes about them.

As Mr and I prepare to become parents, I'm really taking a deep look at some of my childhood memories and experiences.  I'm unpacking some of the things that made me scared or anxious or uncomfortable so I can try to make sure that we make things a little easier for our little one if its something we can control.  And you know what I can control?  Changing the way we speak about gender.  The way we define what gender roles and stereotypes mean to us and how we, hopefully, don't press too much onto our child that will limit their future.

Maybe some people think this is a little too woo-woo or hippy dippy but I don't care.  I've seen the damage done because of it... and I'm not just talking about the extremely SMALL amount in my life.  I want kids to be kids and enjoy what they want to enjoy without worrying if they fit into a gender stereotype.  I don't want them to feel limited to what they can grow up and become because it's not the "masculine" or "feminine" norm.  We have definitely gotten better since I was young and there are a ton more female role models in male-dominated careers, as well as plenty more men doing what used to be considered more "feminine" careers.  We still have some things to change, though, and the words we use are an important part in making these changes.

Now I will answer all of those questions:

1. Sex- we don't know!!  We will hopefully know soon and will definitely make an announcement.

2. No preference.  SERIOUSLY.  We want a healthy baby.  And sex doesn't really matter.  I've thought about it A LOT and there are things that I think I will enjoy with either and then things I think I won't enjoy... so really I don't care.

3. I may be slightly psychic/intuitive but this is not one of those things I know.

4. Can you let me have this one first?  We don't know yet!!

Remember When I Used to Blog Regularly? And Also, Don't Give Me Unsolicited Advice!

Well hey there!  It's been SEVERAL years since I've posted anything on here.  You know how it is, life got busy but also not super interesting and I sort of forgot about posting updates.  I'll give you a quick run-down of the past 4 1/2 years since the last post and then move on to the important things.

2014- I got a different job at the same company, thus beginning a 3 and a half year journey that ultimately I could have done without.  Mr and I went to Ireland and Scotland and absolutely fell in love with it. I found out I actually DO have Celiac's disease and so I really DO need to not eat the gluten, even if I really want it.  We also found out how bad my side effects can get (not a fun time).

2015- More of the same.  Work work work. I turned 30. Lots of camping, hiking and backpacking trips around Oregon and Washington.  We finally ventured to Crater Lake, threw and EPIC Harry Potter themed Halloween party, and took Mr to Tennessee for his first time.  We also finally made it to Universal Studios Orlando and found that it was our most favorite place to vacation in the US.

2016- Work. Camping, backpacking, hiking.  All the house projects!  New downstairs flooring, new carpets upstairs, stained the fence, had to have the hot water heater fixed SEVERAL TIMES, got new kitchen and bathroom counter tops.  Took Mr to Colorado for the first time ever and he LOVED it. Got another epic tattoo.  Mr got his FIRST tattoo ever.  Lots of concerts- living out our middle and high school music dreams.  Had to put the cat down (saddest day ever). Did this whole Minimalist thing and got rid of SO MUCH JUNK.  Very liberating. Got really super upset with American politics and started listening to lots of punk rock again.

2017- Continued the Minimalist thing sort of, mostly. Got a new job! Got a new car!  Went back to Orlando for another Universal Studios vacation because its OUR FAVORITE, OK? Then went to Disneyland because we can, OK? Took Mr to Upstate NY for the first time ever and showed him Amish people and Niagara Falls. Went to lots of concerts.  Lots of Punk concerts.  Attended some protests and marches.

2018- Still love the newer job.  Went treasure hunting in Montana.  Visited Yellowstone National Park for the first time ever and saw all of the amazing nature things with Mr.  Took a sabbatical from work and went to South Korea and Japan with Mr and one of our good friends.  Got to PET OWLS IN AN OWL RESCUE ZOO (and didn't cry!!). Came home from overseas and then took my mom to Yellowstone and treasure hunting as well.  Finished my sabbatical and returned to work.  Got Pregnant.

Yep, that about sums it all up.


Oh wait, that last bit.

Turns out that Mr and I are ready (we think) to have kids, so we gave that a try and now I'm pregnant.  So here we are at the second half of this post that I'd like to call "Don't Give Me Unsolicited Advice".

As I type this I am in my 10th week of pregnancy.  Here's the thing, it's hard but not the worst thing ever.  Are we excited to be having a baby of our own soon?  Yes.  Do I love every minute of being pregnant? NO.  I know it's a different experience for everyone and that every woman has her own journey with pregnancy.  I knew going into this that there would be some hard and uncomfortable things to deal with... mostly because I'm the type of person that researches everything and asks everyone all of the questions before I do anything major in my life so I had some idea of what was ahead of me.

So far I haven't had it that bad, especially knowing what some of my family and friends have been through in their pregnancies.  I have had or currently have all of the usual stuff:  sore boobs, bigger boobs, mood swings, cravings, food aversions, smell aversions, nausea (I refuse to call it morning sickness because it happens WHENEVER IT FEELS LIKE IT, not just in the morning), mild headaches, mild cramps, loose-feeling joints (if that makes any sense), peeing constantly, increased burps and gas, bloating, constipation, fatigue, vivid dreams, hair and nails that grow like crazy.

There's something about pregnancy that makes everyone forget about boundaries.  Not everyone does this, but in general I've noticed that those boundaries get pushed a bit more than usual.  I also think that people forget who I am in all of this.  Have I ever been one to go along with what everyone else is doing or making my decisions based off of the larger group trend?  Have I ever been ok with people crossing my boundaries?  Not really.  And none of that has changed.

I love that people care about me and want to know how I'm doing, but I think some are getting confused and maybe asked me the wrong question.  Example of this in a recent conversation:



Person I know:  "How are you feeling?"

Me:  "Mostly good, except I didn't realize how tired I would be in the first trimester! I'm yawning all day long and I need naps all the time!

Person I know: "Yeah, you should definitely be going to bed earlier, and sleeping in later.  It's much better for the baby, so don't forget to rest!  And stop staying up so late!".

Me: "... Yeah, so I'm definitely getting lots of sleep each night..."

Person I know:  "OH!  And don't forget to take a good prenatal vitamin.  It's so important!   I think I have some leftover that I'll bring you.  And drink lots of water.  Pregnant women need more water, so even if you aren't thirsty make sure you are sipping on that water!"

Me: "Yeah... I've got a prenatal vitamin that I've been taking since before we got pregnant since we were planning this..."

Person I know: "How about the MORNING SICKNESS?  Do you have that yet?  You should keep some crackers by your bedside and nibble a few first thing in the morning.  It saved me!  And also take some extra vitamin B6.  But be careful, there are certain medications that you definitely shouldn't be taking.... really, though, its a good sign when you aren't feeling good because it means things are going well in there!"

Me: " *big sigh*... yeah, I've gotta get going so... talk later I guess"

Person I know:  "Yes! Keep me updated! I have so many helpful tips!"



Alright, so this is a conversation that I've had almost verbatim recently.  I think what the person should have asked me instead of how I was feeling should have been something closer to "Can I dump all of my pent-up pregnancy tips on you even though you are a smart person and probably know most of them?".  Then it would give me a chance to respond appropriately depending on the situation and save me some frustration.

It stresses me out when I get unsolicited advice and have to deal with your overwhelming and often unhelpful "tips".  And you know what?  Stress is bad for the baby... and we don't want that, do we?

So I promise I will start blogging again regularly and keep all those interested updated on the pregnancy.  I will CLEARLY STATE when I am wanting advice, just so there is no confusion.