"Type A"

 Some people meet me and start to think, "Wow, she's super Type A," or "why is she such a perfectionist?  Does she ever rest?".  I always wore my "perfectionism" as a badge of honor- I am hardworking, I am diligent, I am intelligent.  But if you really know me you know that it's only part of who I am.  I would even argue that some of those attributes were formed as a defense mechanism against racism and sexism in our society.  Let me explain, but before I do that I want to say that this is all from my own experience, and the "rules" that I've observed seemed to be present for me in those locations, times, cultures, etc. 

When I was younger people would often comment, "Oh you are so smart!" As if it was surprising that a little mixed race girl could be intelligent; as if that was not the "normal" that they were used to.  I was always super uncomfortable with that type of "compliment", and for a long time I thought it was just because I've always been a little bit awkward.  As I've gotten older I realized that I was uncomfortable with the assumption that it was out of the ordinary for someone like me, brown and female, to be intelligent and able to learn things quickly.  What did these people expect of me, if my intelligence was what surprised them?

Is the assumption that because I'm a girl that I can't be as smart as you expect?  Or is it that because I'm not a blonde, blue-eyed, fair skinned person that I could be as smart, or smarter, than your expectations?  I think it's a bit of both.  

As a child I always worked to learn as much as I could and then try to demonstrate that; part of that is my natural state but part of it was learned.  As I went through school I realized, through some pretty overt and some less obvious incidents, that it was an expectation that if you weren't totally white you just wouldn't be as smart as a white person.  I grew up moving around a lot, so I was able to experience a lot of different regional American cultures.  Some areas we lived in were more liberal and others were more conservative.  Some places had palpably racist cultures while some had more covert or subtle racism. Overall the messaging to me has always been that dominant white culture will expect you to be less intelligent if you are not part of dominant white culture/not white presenting.  And if you happened to be female, then the expectation was even lower, regardless of your skin color.

Knowing this fueled me to constantly prove people wrong.  They would initially see a little dark haired, olive-skinned girl who was quiet and reserved, but I would try to find any opportunity to show them that I was smart, that I had potential.  The only way I could usually demonstrate this was through my school work.  Grades meant the world to me, being assigned to the "advanced" reading groups, the "smarter" math class- all of these things I would work for and collect as tokens of my self-worth so I could show them off to the authority figures in my life as if to say "Look, I am MORE than you expected of me.  I'm BETTER than what you thought I was".  I had seen their initial judgement of me, and how that judgment had been detrimental to others around me, and I was doing what I could do keep that from being a shared life-sentence. 

I have to pause here and say that I would have been much less successful at this if I didn't have parents who were supportive and could foster my learning and growth as much as they could while also having jobs and adult things to worry about.  It also helps that I have a mother who already knew what I was facing having lived through a lot of it herself growing up on a reservation surrounded by towns that were predominantly white and biased against the native peoples near them.

Another few things I learned about dominant culture that shaped the decisions I made for myself were:

1.  Non-white people are dirty

2. Non-white people are lazy.

3. Non-white people are not trustworthy.

Because of these things I became fastidious; I couldn't have people thinking I was dirty!  This was reinforced by my own mother because a common stereotype when she was growing up was the "dirty Indian", so she also became extremely clean in her personal appearance as well as how she kept her home. When I was young it was always a priority to make sure that my sister and I never the left the house in dirty clothes or even looked slightly unkempt- hair always clean and combed, outfits always crisply ironed and matching (it was the late 80's/early 90's so of course EVERY PART of our outfits matched).  I internalized that and as I got older I would never leave the house if I wasn't fully dressed, hair and makeup done.  That's since relaxed a bit, but I still prefer to not go out, even for a quick errand, unless I'm somewhat presentable.

Because of the above I worked extremely hard at everything I did; I never wanted to be accused of being lazy.

Because of the above I took loyalty, fairness, and honesty very seriously as I didn't want to be thought of as untrustworthy.

There is a whole lot of unseen work that non-white people have to do just to be seen as "normal" and then we get called out for it as if it's supposed to be a compliment.  We are being told, "See, you aren't like them, you are better because you are more like us," which in and of itself is such a messed up message to send to someone.  If we do something that they expect of us, then we are reinforcing those racist tropes, but if we break out and surprise them then we are told we are an exception to the stereotype, but the trope still remains. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.  And don't even get me started on the double standards that exist between dominant white culture and minorities.  That may have to be a whole separate post.

These stupid stereotypes also cause a lot of infighting within minority cultures.  I've had other native people tell me that I think I'm better than them because I don't live on a reservation, because I speak "proper" English, because (insert here).  My mom has had the same things told to her as well.  Because we figured out how to work within the dominant system so that we could lessen the burden of racist stereotypes on ourselves we are now an "enemy" to some; part of the system that keeps them down.  It's a hard place to be.  And I know people of other minority races and cultures that feel this same way and deal with these complexities.

So, no, I don't really think that I am "Type A" purely by birth.  It has been a lifetime of having to learn what was expected and then having to exceed that expectation to be, not even seen, but respected as a human being.  It's exhausting.

A Salad Bowl of ...

Ok guys.  

I needed a couple of days to process a crazy conversation I had with someone before sharing, but I did want to share with you all so you have some insight into what being BIPOC entails on a regular basis.  This most recent incident was... a salad bowl of racism, white saviorism, cultural appropriation, religious zealotry and little shake of mania served to me via a social media messaging service.  Here we go. 

**Warning- there will be adult language used**

I had an acquaintance from high school send me a friend request.  I assumed that he was bored working from home like so many of us and was probably filling his time by reaching out to people he used to know.  I accepted his request because, after all, we had gone to school together, and we had a few "friends" in common.  I heard nothing from him for a few days, then I got a message from him basically saying hi and that it looked like I was having a nice life since he’d seen me last, and that he was happy to see that I had a good job with a well known company.

I responded saying thanks, asking how he was doing, the usual polite things and hoping he wasn’t going to ask me to help him get a job (I get that A LOT). His response after that was... a bit too religious for my taste, but whatever, everyone gets to live their life and believe what they want.  I told him I was so glad he was happy, and then assumed the interaction was probably over.

Several minutes later he messaged again and asked me if “I had any Native American background in [your] family”.  

My heart sped up a little because in my experience only a few things can follow:

1. A claim that the person is also “native” by way of a very, very distant relative that was also native royalty (not a thing, guys, but that's for a different post).
2. They want me to answer a question that puts me in the position of speaking for a whole group of people. Not cool, I am not a spokesperson, just a person with my own ideas and viewpoints that happens to belong to a minority group.
3. They are genuinely curious about me and want to have a nice, respectful conversation.

I was hoping for #3 so much. So I proceeded with trepidation.  I kept it short and sweet.  Yes, I’m Native.  Why do you ask?

His answer was a relief at first.  Yes he was just curious and is just generally curious about Native cultures. 

But then he continued ... he had Native relatives (by marriage, not blood) but they were 100% native!

Let’s pause and unpack this one for a second. Why do non Native people really want to claim some piece of being Indigenous or connected to Natives? It does not endear you to me; in fact, it usually puts me off when someone does this. 

Second, when you start bringing up blood quantum and heritage percentages I immediately get prickly. That is a very white-centric way of thinking about things that comes from colonization and is not based in how most, but not all, tribes qualify tribal affiliation or identity.

Third, this doesn’t validate anything for me.  Just because you know someone else that is some (unverifiable to me) measure of native/indigenous does not legitimize what you have to say to me.  

Back to the conversation. He then proceeds to tell me that he’s in contact with a group of native people. 

I don’t know what that even means or why it’s relevant, but ok. 

Oh and also he’s been talking to them about Covid-19. 

Where is this going to go?  Is he in healthcare?

When he offers no other messages I respond with a note telling him I’m glad he’s interested in native cultures and hope he continues to spend time researching them and learning about our histories, and to have an awesome day.  

I hoped and prayed we were done.

We were not.

A few minutes later he sends another message: he’s been doing lots of research!  And it’s this learning, along with the recent r*dskins issue that he has brought him back to knowing “god”!

What the actual fuck?  At this point I don’t know exactly how to respond.  I have no idea which way this is going or what to even do. So I pause.   

I took a minute to try to sort though my own thoughts and then I thought maybe I should peek at his social media profile and see what possible road we were starting to go down.

Holy shit. You guys. I learned a really good lesson:  check out someone’s profile BEFORE you accept their friend request.  I should have. I assumed that since I knew this person a tiny bit almost 20 years ago that it would be fine.  It was not fine. 

He had all sorts of posts that directly oppose my values; some in particular that had to do with the topic at hand (as far as I could tell). Having gotten more information, I struggled with exactly what to say.  I figured asking a question would be the best step forward so I wasn’t assuming anything.

I asked: what do you mean regarding the r*dskins issue?

Him: You know the drama of them removing the logo

Me: yes, of course I know about that, but how did that bring you to know god?

Guys, take a seat, take some deep breaths.

You ready?  Ok.

Him: I just realized I had to reclaim that warrior spirit and stop letting them take our rights away. God was calling me to be a soldier to fight for the Dakota Sioux.

Yeah...

So many things to examine. I’ve created a list to help me to organize it all:

1. You can’t reclaim something that isn’t yours to begin with. Please stop trying to own something that is not part of your own culture.  Appreciate it, research it, talk about it, but it’s NOT YOURS so don’t grab for it like it is.
2. “Our” rights aren’t on the table here if you aren’t part of “our” group to begin with. Also, I’m not exactly sure what rights he’s alluding to.
3. Believe whatever you want, but maybe check yourself before bringing up what “god” wants when speaking to an Indigenous person.  “God” is the reason for so much Indigenous loss and erasure. Do your homework... Indian Schools or the Doctrine of Discovery for starters.
4. BIPOC don’t need a white savior.  We don’t need to be saved at all, we need people in positions of power to actually listen to us and help make changes to the systems that continue to keep us down, which includes having us be part of the conversation. This is not the chance for you to swoop in and do anything for us.  
5. What exactly are you fighting for?  Seems unclear.

It took me a beat, but I decided to continue with my questions versus try to reason, because my logical brain knew that this person had clearly already started the engine and released the brakes of this thought train. 

Me: I’m glad you want to help, but I’m unsure that I follow what you are actually trying to say

Him: BLM + Nike = hate shown towards Natives and interest to further marginalize them.  The Navajo Nation doesn’t speak for all Natives

Well I sure am glad that all makes sense!! What?  

Me: Ok, let’s address your first point.  How does the Black Lives Matter movement and Nike show hate towards natives?  And when did the Navajo nation try to speak for all natives?

Him: I am a white man who got all the info from Native people.  I can ask my contact with credentials to help you understand but I don’t have time personally

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

Instead of clarifying what he meant or explaining his previous statements to me he dives right into trying to tell me that the Black Lives Matter movement and an athletic-wear company are detrimental to me in some way and shows hatred?  

I honestly don't know how a movement that is trying to create equity and justice for a minority group of people is taking anything away from me or other minority groups.  The way I see it,  "a rising tide raises all ships".  If we make things better for one minority group, we make it easier for things to get better for others.  Smarter people than myself have distilled it down into an easy way to explain it that I like, "It's not pie.  Just because one person gets more of something doesn't mean I then get less".

How does an athletic shoe and apparel company have anything to do with hating Natives?  If he had done his homework he would know that Nike has the N7 foundation and comes out with N7 footwear and apparel collections a couple of times a year that directly benefit Native and Indigenous youth and their communities through a grant program.  They also have a diverse group of employee networks that specifically support minorities, further education, celebrate diversity and connect those minority groups to resources inside and outside of the workplace.  How is that showing any hatred at all?  No company or workplace is perfect, but the good folks at Nike are FAR from hating a minority group or causing further marginalization of a minority group.

Then he goes on to bring up that the Navajo Nation has somehow spoken for all Natives?  When did this happen?  I am connected to a few native and indigenous media outlets, writers, and journalists so you'd think maybe I'd hear if this was something happening in my community, but alas, no such thing has come up.  Perhaps he's confusing what one or two Native/Indigenous people have said about something and applied it to mean that they were trying to be spokespeople for ALL Native/Indigenous people?  Who really knows here.

In my response I ask very direct questions to hopefully get some clarification on the bullshit he's just spat at me and maybe what exactly he's talking about.  

Of course he's not going to answer these questions!  But he will go ahead and insinuate that I don't know about my OWN INDIGENOUS COMMUNITY and that he could help me get that information.  Information that he's gotten from other Native People that, clearly he thinks, know much more than me.  Oh, and these people have CREDENTIALS!!!  Because HE doesn't have time to EDUCATE ME.

Well get me their numbers, STAT, because I definitely need to speak with them and learn SO MANY THINGS!

I definitely know what's going on.  I've been an Indigenous person MY ENTIRE LIFE.  I didn't just get connected to some "native" folks recently and then start claiming heritage to seem "cool" or "woke".  My mother raised me to be a strong Indigenous woman, to take part in my tribal duties, to support my sovereign Nation and to ensure that our culture doesn't die.  I've been made fun of, I've been bullied, I've been purposefully embarrassed by educators, I've been fetishized... the list goes on.  You don't get to come to me and tell me that I don't know the "native" perspective on something and that you, an ignorant white man, can help me figure it out.

FULL STOP.

A little advice- Do not EVER jump into a conversation, refuse to answer questions because you are out of your depths, and then insinuate that the person who is asking the questions doesn't know what's going on because it makes you look like an absolute prick. And it infuriates the person you are talking to.  

I, of course, did not want to continue the conversation, so I told him as much, in a very restrained and polite way.  I then promptly unfriended and blocked him so that I could stop having any interaction.  You sometimes just have to protect your own health and well-being.

This is just a little bit of the invisible work that happens CONSTANTLY to your BIPOC friends/family/neighbors/coworkers.  And it's just one example of what we have to deal with.

Way back before the global pandemic and the resurgence of the BLM movement I was talking with Mr. about doing a blog series on some of the racism I've experienced in my life.  It comes up time and time again when he tells me things from his work as an educator and it will remind me of incidents that happened to me as a child.  I don't think non BIPOC individuals or groups have any idea that some of the people they know and love experience these things so frequently.  They don't know that my existence differs so much from theirs because of the color of my skin.  People don't understand that a small frustration for you could be the 1,000th thing I've had to process that day and I JUST DON'T HAVE THE ENERGY FOR IT ANYMORE so maybe that's why I get snippy or sound rude, or have a little angry moment.

So I'm going to do it.  I'll be starting a series on how I've experience racism in my life so far.  I hope it can help some people.  I don't want to do it as a "see how much I suffer" sort of thing, but as a way to give you a different perspective.

Be Kind.  It's not that hard.

My New Full Time Job

Hello friends!  It's been a minute; turns out that keeping a tiny human alive is a little bit of work so I haven't blogged as much as I'd originally planned.  (Jokes!  I already knew having a baby would be hard work).

In honor of National Breastfeeding Week I wanted to share my journey so far. Before I dive in I just want to say that while breastfeeding is amazing and has worked well for us, I fully believe that fed is best, however that works out for you.  And as always this is a post about our experiences and not asking for advice.


Our little J was a couple weeks early (just on the cusp of full term, but not quite).  She was so tiny, but healthy, however her size and a very slight tongue tie kept her from achieving a great latch and I was so engorged that my nipples flattened out which didn't make things any easier.   The first few days we just kept at it, but I was so worried that she wasn't getting enough, so I would hand express colostrum and try to syringe feed her in addition to her normal breastfeeding sessions.   We had a few appointments with the LC those first couple of days which were so helpful in reassuring me that we were going to get this straightened out.  About a week and a half after her birth we had a frenectomy for J to get her tongue tie corrected.  Again, it was super mild but we wanted to make sure we took care of it.  I also started pumping as soon as my milk came in (so like day 4 or 5 after her birth) so we could supplement with bottles to ensure she was truly getting enough. 

The first couple weeks of breastfeeding I was surprised that it wasn't as painful as people had told me it would be.  I only had mild irritation and was making sure to use lanolin or another balm after each feeding session. We did the feed/ try some expressed milk in a bottle dance for a few weeks, and then had a follow up LC appointment around a month after J's birth.  We did a weighted feed and found that she was taking around 2.5 ounces per feeding!  I was shocked and so relieved.  It's so hard when breastfeeding to know exactly how much your babe is really getting.  At around week 6 or 7 she stopped taking the extra bottles after a feed (she would typically only eat a half an ounce or so after breastfeeding anyway). This is around the same time that my nipples decided that this was NOT FUN AT ALL. I went from having super mild irritation to having crazy pain for the first 30-45 seconds of feeding or pumping that I would wince and audibly gasp.  Poor Mr would look over at me and think I was crying over something emotional... only to have me say, "NOPE, my nipples just hurt THAT BADLY".

You guys, when people say "If breastfeeding hurts, then something is wrong" they can be SO WRONG.  Nothing was wrong at all.  J had a good latch by then, I was keeping my nipples clean and balmed up, changed into clean nursing bras constantly, using lube when I pumped, ALL THE RIGHT THINGS.  I didn't have cracked nipples, thrush or mastitis or any of those common problems (I did get a bleb once, but it was over at the side and resolved itself after a couple of days), so the nipple pain was just me getting used to having a baby sucking on me 12-15 times per day.  It eventually went away as my body adjusted, but it was VERY uncomfortable for a little while.  By all means make sure you have a great LC and get things checked out, but also know that it can be painful and that is NORMAL, and the pain will eventually go away.

Anyway, since the pain disappeared we have been plugging away and J has been exclusively breastmilk fed (mostly breastfed, with some pumped bottles) for just over 4 months!!  It is amazing to be able to continue to provide all the nutrients my baby needs with just my body!  It's so portable and easy for us, but there have been downsides:

1. Breastfeeding in public/around others- as a first time mother I was not yet comfortable just whipping a boob out and feeding my baby.  My own mother had breastfed both myself and my little sister and I remember her breastfeeding freely and we have many friends who breastfeed around us so you'd think I wouldn't have any hang ups around this, but I totally did.  And it was situational.  It really depended on who I was around at first.  Now we are way more comfortable with it and it doesn't really matter where I am or who I am with, but it did take some time and practice in order to be comfortable and confident.

2.  The amount of time spent breastfeeding/pumping- man, it's more than a full time job!  It does come with benefits, just not any pay. There have been some days when that's all I've accomplished, and sometimes only just the breastfeeding part.

3.  Constantly having someone/something touch you- I love being able to provide nourishment and bond with my baby, but sometimes I just want some time with no one else touching me/no machine hooked up to me.  I'm not one of those people who loves to constantly be touched, so having someone attached to me for most of a day and then having a machine pulling at me during the off time can be a little frustrating.

4.  My boobs are now unruly-  I mean, I didn't have small ones before, but now... finding tops is difficult. Finding bras is difficult.  These breastfeeding boobs are difficult, and I have no idea what will happen to them in the long run.


The benefits really outweigh the inconveniences for us, and there are numerous benefits (which I won't waste time repeating here as you can find sources aplenty espousing the benefits of breastfeeding).  It really has been a great way to bond with J and on days when I feel like I've not accomplished much, at least I can say that I fed my baby.  Who knows how long we will continue, but I really have learned to love breastfeeding and this journey it has taken us on.

So to all the moms out there doing the hard work of breastfeeding, cheers!  Keep up the good work!

Birth Story!

First off, this is going to be somewhat long, so please, if you don't want to know certain details or if you are looking for a quick sugar-coated birth story you should probably skip this one.

I had an inkling that our little babe was going to be early.  I don't know why, exactly, I just felt like around week 34 my body just started getting ready.  Everyone told us, "oh, you're a first time mom, your body may take several weeks getting ready," and of course I was like, "thanks but I know my body pretty well," and hoped for the best.

A few weeks ago I just felt like babe had moved into place and my body was starting to prepare for her birth.  I just didn't give a shit anymore, I had literally no energy for dumb questions or small talk or inefficient anything. My attitude was unless this impacts me or my baby right now, I don't care. My body was done, too. I was constantly exhausted and not really getting any sleep.  And anytime I did anything active I would get these super annoying  Braxton-Hicks contractions that made moving around a little extra difficult.  My hips hurt, my back hurt, and I had to pee every 20 minutes. I am sure I was an absolute joy to be around.

One of the days during my 35th week I went to the bathroom as usual and got quite the surprise when I looked down and saw a giant wad of what looked like snot.  Seriously, it looked like a giant had blown their nose on my toilet paper... just a giant gooey snot ball.  Ah, this must be my mucus plug I thought.  I knew that didn't mean a whole lot as you can lose them over time or all at once and they can regenerate but I also figured that it meant something was happening.

At my check ups everything was looking good, they kept checking her position and saying "we think she's head down!", but it wasn't until my 36 week appointment that they ordered a quick ultrasound just to make sure.  Sure enough, she was in a pretty good head down position.  This is also the week I stopped doing my normal exercises because I was SO UNCOMFORTABLE and tired that I felt like it wasn't worth the effort. Hey, I tried, and I think I did pretty well making it all the way to week 36 and staying active.  Short walks were still on the schedule, though, as they actually felt good.

The day after my 36 week check up I had some pretty gnarly contractions with mild low back pain (similar to mild menstrual cramps) and ended up going in late to work because I couldn't finish getting dressed.  I did all the things they tell you to do- drink a big glass of water, sit down and rest, lay down on your left side, etc. They weren't regular or severe, just really uncomfortable, but they ended up easing up enough so I could  go about my day.  I definitely let our doula team  know just in case, but to me this was a practice round and I felt like my body was doing a quick test run.

Week 37 felt like I was dying.  I only slept 2-3 hours per night so I felt l like a zombie most days.  I would go to bed just fine and then  a couple hours into sleep I'd be so uncomfortable I'd wake up and then be awake for the rest of the night- unable to find a way to get comfortable again.  I watched a lot of random late night TV and early morning/East Coast news shows.   I had my 37 week appointment on a Wednesday, all was still good and they gave me a bunch of paperwork to take home and sign to, in theory, bring to my next appointment so we didn't have to do any intake forms when I went into labor (all the standard medical release stuff).  I took it all home, signed and dated everything, and then we met up with some friends for a lovely sushi dinner at our favorite local spot.

The next day I felt a little off, but chalked it up to having not slept very well again.  I went to work and had a few meetings and things I was trying to wrap up before the next week as that was when I planned to start my leave (at my office you can take the 2 weeks before your due date off, so of course I decided that was a great idea and wanted to take full advantage of the extra time off at home).  I had a quick meeting that morning with my boss to let him know where I was with wrapping a few things up, and then I was supposed to meet Mr for lunch.

I say supposed to meet him for lunch because this is where things got interesting;  I ran to the restroom before starting on a new project at my desk  and was met with a surprise.  I peed like normal, but then as I reached for the toilet paper I felt a warm gush of SOMETHING coming from what I could definitely tell was not my urethra.  I looked down in the bowl and saw some clearish-pink tinted liquid and thought OH! That's definitely my water breaking!  I sat on the toilet for another minute to see if any more was going to come out but decided that one quick gush was probably it.  I definitely put a maxi pad in place for any additional leaks and made my way back to my desk to gather my stuff.  I called Rian as I packed up and asked, "Hey, have you left the house yet?  Because I don't think you need to meet me for lunch!"

Of course I could hear his moment of realization before he responded, so I quickly added, "Don't panic, I'm pretty sure my water broke so I'm coming home.  I am not experiencing any crazy contractions... we have plenty of time."

I drove home in a state of excitement and mild anxiety.  Once I got home I messaged our doula team and our midwives to let them know what was happening.  Of course they all said we probably had plenty of time since I wasn't having noticeable contractions or any indication that active labor was near and to just rest and stay hydrated and well fed and to check in if anything changed.  We spent the rest of Thursday afternoon doing chores around the house- laundry, dishes, a few final things in the nursery, double checking the "go" bag for all necessary items, and making sure the car seat was installed correctly.  In the evening my contractions got more noticeable, but not painful.  We had some snacks and went to bed, me letting my team know that it still seemed to be super early and nothing else to report on just yet.

I think I slept maybe an hour and a half before waking with some very uncomfortable and undeniable contractions and mild cramps.  I tried to go back to sleep, but around 11:45pm realized that sleep was not going to happen.  I got up and left Mr in bed and went downstairs to try to distract myself.  I scrolled through Reddit and put some comedy shows on TV and just moved around the living room trying to find a comfortable way to hang out.  There really was no comfortable way to be at that point.  Around 1:00 am I started timing my contractions, but they were super irregular and not very close together.  I also kept having to go to the bathroom; I'm pretty sure I pooped 4 times in a 3 hour span (not a lot in volume, just a little each time).  The only thing that felt mildly comfortable was to be on the floor leaning onto my yoga ball and sort of swaying with a heating pad on my lower back.  I kept trying to focus on staying calm and letting my body progress the way it needed to.

Around 3:00 am I felt awful and wanted to take a hot shower to see if the water would soothe me at all.  The shower felt great and I hung out in there for around 20 minutes until my fingers were pruny.  I got out and put pj's back on and waddled back downstairs when the next contraction hit.  It was definitely stronger and much harder to get through and I got REALLY HOT during it, so much so that I wanted to rip my pj's right off of me.  I figured OK, this is the real thing so I turned around and waddled back upstairs to rouse Mr for some support.  He got up and moved our bags to the front door while I texted our doulas what was happening.  We then messaged our midwives to let them know things had ramped up.  Everyone told us to keep timing the contractions and see how I felt but I think they all realized I was a bit further along when I couldn't do anything but focus on getting through a contraction.  At this point I think they were about 8-10 minutes apart and lasting about a minute to minute and a half.

One of our doula team members decided she should head over to our house and while we waited for her to arrive I just paced our downstairs in between contractions and tried to make sure we had everything ready to take with us.  As long as I was moving I could get through them!  Right before our doula, M,  arrived I started feeling super nauseous and dry heaved through a contraction... not my favorite thing.  M finally got there and while she hung out with me, Mr was in contact with our midwives and determined that I should probably head to the birth center.   We got all packed up and headed that way.  At this point it was about 5:45am.

Let me tell you that having contractions while seated in a car was TERRIBLE.  I had figured out earlier on that I needed to be able to move and mostly be standing to get through contractions so being stuck seated in a car where I couldn't sway or move was a type of hell I can't even begin to describe. I just kept thinking to myself you only have to get through 3 more of these before you get to the birth center... ok, now just make it through 2 more....  Poor Mr was trying not to speed and to drive safely, but I could tell he was super anxious to get there.

We arrived and headed into a birth suite.  The midwives/assistants all came in to say hi and to take some quick vitals.  I paced the room and then leaned on a birthing ball that was propped up on the bed during contractions while they filled the tub as I had mentioned that the shower felt good earlier and thought maybe the birthing tub would be soothing to me.  While they were busy prepping the tub and gathering supplies I was having some hot flashes and generally feeling disgusting between contractions, which were now about 5-6 minutes apart.  I got really nauseous again and luckily M had brought over a bowl because as soon as my next contraction hit I started barfing.  There really wasn't much coming up since I hadn't eaten for several hours, but if you know me you know that throwing up is one of the things I hate the most and will avoid it at almost any cost.  Moreover I was super embarrassed that I was throwing up in front of a room full of people, but I assume they see that all of the time and not a single person seemed phased or bothered.  They brought me some coconut water drink mix thing that tasted really great and had me try to eat some crackers, and M assured me that it was a great sign that I was nauseous and throwing up because that meant I was moving in the right direction (LOL, try telling someone who hates throwing up as much as me that it's a good thing! I was not amused, but I did know she was right... BTW, doulas are amazing).

Our midwife came in shortly after that and checked my cervix.  I was delighted to find out that I was 6 centimeters dilated and almost fully effaced!  I was so worried that they would check and I'd be at a 2 or 3, so that was very reassuring that things were actually moving in the right direction.  They checked babe's position and had me do some right side lunges on a step stool during my next couple of contractions to get her head turned slightly (she was head down, but apparently faced slightly to the side).  Soon after the birth tub was ready and I stripped down and put a bathing suit top on and hopped in.  It immediately felt better to be in warm water, although it was a bit too warm during a contraction so my amazing doula brought a cold cloth and put it on the back of my neck and kept giving me sips of the coconut water drink.  I don't really know how long I was in the tub, but Mr said it was around 8am that I got into it.

It seemed to me that my contractions weren't coming any closer together, however I am being assured by Mr that they were in fact only a couple minutes apart at this point.  Then I had a contraction that started out feeling like the rest had and part way through it felt like my body was just taking over and that I was probably going to poop my whole lower abdominal cavity out.  I'm serious.  I had no control, my body just started doing it and I was shocked.  I also somehow went from semi squatting in the tub to on all fours (I don't remember moving at all).  At this point one of the assistants put a clock up by the tub so she could see the time and I noticed it was around 9:00am.  I got super pumped because I felt like if I was already pushing I only had a few more hours, at MOST, of this and I could be done.  I do remember during the first or second contraction while I was pushing that I was moaning, and then the moaning turning into me saying "Owwww, fuckkkkkk...", but then my memory gets a little fuzzy.

I have been told that between contractions I would nod off for a minute before the next contraction, and then during the contractions I would start a low moan that would transition into what I can only describe as a primal but low toned yell?  I have no idea... Mr says it's like when someone is  power lifting super heavy weights and make loud warrior yells and grunts.  The midwife came in and checked me during one of these and was like, "Alright, you can start giving it your all on the next contraction because we almost have the top of her head!".  I thought to myself I really don't know how to give it anymore because my body is just sort of doing this but ok.

I don't remember how many more contractions I had, but I do remember at one point thinking that there was no way I hadn't pooped in the birth tub with the amount of force being put on my bowels.  Luckily I found out afterwards that I had not, in fact, pooped at all (thanks body, for pooping so much earlier on labor!).  Anyhow, I had a few really painful moments where I thought there was no way my  nether regions weren't going to completely split in two, but I had to remind myself that no one had ever been split apart like that during birth and that I'd be ok.  I also was trying to remember the positive mantras and affirmations that I had practiced beforehand to keep me focused and calm.  Our midwife did use some counter pressure while I was crowning, and at that point once I got past the "ring of fire" feeling pushing became a relief and I started to really try and help my body get her out.  All I could think was we are almost done and then we can go to sleep!  

Then, all of a sudden I had a super long contraction that I thought would never end, but I just kept pushing as best I could.  During that the midwife had the assistants help me turn over from being on all fours to leaning against the tub which was a feat during pushing... I honestly thought there was no way I could move, but I did it!  And just after that I felt the greatest relief of my life, and also like all of my insides were now outside of my body. it was almost euphoric how nice it felt to be done pushing and not feel all of that internal pressure any longer.

They lifted our babe out of the water and put her directly on my chest and had me recline against the tub.  I could not even believe that we were done and she was out!  J was born at 9:48am, weighed 6 pounds 6 ounces and was 20 inches long at 37 weeks 6 days ... just a perfect little bug.  She hung out on my chest for some skin to skin while Mr cut the cord, and then they had him do some skin to skin while I delivered the placenta.  It didn't really hurt at all, it was just a little uncomfortable.  I got all cleaned up and dried off and moved to the bed where we got to hang out and bond as a family for several hours which was absolutely amazing.  Our doula made us a wonderful breakfast to enjoy in bed as we gazed at our perfect little J.

All in all I was in active labor for a little over 6 hours which was so much shorter than I was preparing for.  I pushed for around 45 minutes, and despite what it felt like in the moment, I did not tear badly or need any stitches (a miracle!). And I made it without any interventions or medications, which I am super proud of.  Don't get me wrong, if you had interventions or medications I am definitely not judging you.  Everyone needs to do what is right for them.

I think the mindset of going with the flow and giving my body the space and time it needed was helpful.  One of the strategies I had employed was reminding myself to not get panicky or waste energy as I wasn't sure how long I'd be in labor and I didn't want to exhaust myself before it was time to push.  I also kept thinking about some of the amazing books I had read (Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, Childbirth Without Fear, etc.) and some of the visualizations they suggested to help your body and mind work together.

I also need to get real about what giving birth feels like, and as much as I was trying to talk myself out of pain & suffering there was definitely pain.  Nothing that you can't get through, but it wasn't a cake walk.  I said the room full of midwives, assistants and Mr at the end that "it felt like my whole life... " because time just ceases to exist during the intense parts.  When asked what it was like I responded, "Like pooping out a Thanksgiving turkey".  I am not joking, although it's a funny way to describe it, I admit.

Listen, mom's are tough.  Giving birth is probably the hardest thing I've ever done.  It's physically, mentally and emotionally draining.  Giant props to all the ladies who have done this before me and will continue to do it long after me.  And a huge round of applause to both our midwife team and our doula team.  I think people sometimes don't take them seriously because they don't always work in a stereotypical hospital setting here in the US but they are highly skilled and absolutely amazing.  The care (prenatal, during labor and postnatal) we received from our midwives was stellar, and the support from our doulas was so amazing.  I highly recommend looking into a birth center, having midwives and hiring doulas for your pregnancy and birth.

Anyway, this is super long so I will do some other follow up posts on various topics over the next couple of weeks (postpartum recovery, more in-depth info on our Birth Center/Midwife experience, doulas, breastfeeding, etc).

Welcome to the world little J!  We love you so much and are so glad you are here!

My Personality Complications, a People Hangover and Damn Good Friends and Family

I am and always have been super interested in people and personalities.  I just find it all so fascinating how there are so many complicated parts to a person that affects everything from the way they talk to the decisions they make and the music they listen to... it's something that I could talk for days about. Of course, not everyone is super interested in the inner workings of their fellow humans, so if that is you, please feel free to skip this because I'm about to spill a lot that I've learned about myself.  Anyway, in having done massive amounts of research about personality traits and cognitive functions and how it all relates to me as a complete person has lead to have some really great insights about myself... and not just the positive aspects of who I am but also the negative traits and frustrations that come with being who I am.

All of that to say, I'm exhausted and overwhelmed and over it all and need to process that by explaining it all to you, my lovely readers and friends.

Let's start by telling you my MBTI or Cognitive Function type (that you may or may not agree with, but I'm not here to debate different tactics and tools for evaluation).  I have been scored as an INFJ, standing for Introvert, Intuitive, Feeling, Judging type.  You may have NO IDEA what any of that means, so I'll give a super high level, fast and loose explanation just so you sort of understand what I'm talking about here (no need to write to me and give me the what-for if you are an expert... I KNOW this is leaving a ton of info out, just go with me here).

Overall, INFJ's are known as the Counselor or the Advocate.  We are very intuitive and can usually figure out how someone feels before that person even knows how they feel; we are very observant.  We trust our gut instincts and we can read people well.  We have a super strong sense of morality and personal integrity and are usually big nurturers of others.  We love to help people work through their issues to find long lasting solutions (Help me to help you... or Teach a Man to Fish...).  A lot of us feel a need to make the world a better place for everyone.  We have a tendency to be private and reserved, especially if we don't know you well, and we let few people into our "inner circle".  Mostly we value genuine and deep connections with people, and really dislike surface level interactions such as small talk.  We can also be seen as walking contradictions since we may seem so calm or reserved to the casual observer, but can feel things extremely deeply.  All of this does not mean we don't have our flaws.

First off - the Introvert trait; as you may well know there is a spectrum (yes, in all of these you can "dial" up or down a level of this trait/function, but your score is based off of your default preference, and just because you have a preference doesn't always mean you completely lack a certain trait or lack the ability to learn how to use more of one of the other functions ).  I fall more on the Introvert side of the spectrum versus Extrovert, which can be super surprising for people.  The reason for this is that I absolutely LOVE people, however I find them draining and need copious amounts of alone time in order to recharge.  I can definitely show up at a party and socialize and be charming and outgoing, but unlike an Extrovert, I have to balance that with my need for seclusion so the fun and bubbly lady you see on a Saturday night is likely not going to be out and about for a few days after that interaction if she can help it at all.  You may catch me on an "alone" day after I've been "people-ing" and thought, "wow she looks ill, " or maybe, "she seems grumpy" and you are not far off.  Once I've hit my fill of socializing it becomes a physical, mental and emotional need to not socialize for a bit or I start feeling like I'm getting sick, I have a hard time paying attention, I'm super sleepy, and may even be a bit grouchy.  I do, however really love one on one time with people where we can deeply connect and talk about real things, or even small groups of my close friends.  That is much less draining to me, and in some instances can even energize me to a point (but only to a point, then it starts taking some of my spoons again, as they say).

I make absolutely no secret that I'm an introvert.  I actually think that we need to teach children about these functions/attributes early on and give them language on how to deal with who they are much earlier so that they don't grow up feeling "incorrect".  I always felt like something was a little bit wrong with me because we live in a culture that is built for the Extrovert.  It is an expectation that people be social and want to surround themselves with other people, and be able to sustain a high level of connection and socialization.  I didn't understand until much later (college) that it was acceptable to NOT want to socialize all of the time and that it was actually healthy for me to want to be alone sometimes.  This caused some frustrations to my younger self, but as I've gotten older I've learned some skills for how to more successfully navigate this Extrovert's paradise in a healthy way... but we will go over that in a different post on a different day.  Back to the MBTI!

My second function is Intuition, which is all about how we perceive/sense the world.  In short, I tend to be more abstract with my thinking and not consciously notice patterns or details (until questioned about it and forced to find the words), but I still gather that information and put it all together to complete a puzzle of the overall picture very quickly.   If you've been around me for any time at all, it may seem like I'm calculating and collecting information, but really if I try to describe my inner process it's more like this:  I walk into a room and just get a gut feeling about things.  I can't even always put things into words right away, it's just feelings and observations that are quickly shaken up all together in my head and then somehow I have a mostly complete picture of what's happening in that room before anyone can tell me.  This can be super useful when at a social event and I need to read the temperature of the room to know how to act, what to talk about, etc. (for the most part... I can be a total blundering idiot sometimes too...).  It can be super uncomfortable when someone is keeping a big secret or there was an uncomfortable moment before I walked in and I can FEEL EVERYONE'S WEIRD FEELS but can't quite tell where it came from or why it's happening (although, sometimes I can but since no one brought it up I'm left trying to figure out how to bring it up so we can release the tension in the room or if I just try to redirect everyone to something else and hope no one else can feel the grossness in the room until it diffuses).

My third function is Feeling, which is my preferred way to make decisions versus someone who has a "Thinking" cognitive process.  This doesn't mean that I don't think... I think ALL THE TIME, but it does mean that I prefer to base my decisions off of feelings and what social or emotional implications will be for myself and others versus the straight "facts" of a situation. Sometimes what I decide will seem illogical to some, but to me I've quickly worked through the long-term effects of a decision and seen the probable possibilities based off of many factors and will usually err on the side of what will cause the least amount long-term issues for all involved.  Sometimes that means my decisions seem too kind and "everyone should feel good with this" niceness to the outside observer, while other times it may seem like I'm being completely cold and uncaring... but to me, it's what causes the least amount of unpleasantness long term.

Finally, my last functional preference is Judging (versus Perceiving), which is just how I prefer to orient myself to the outside world.  As creative and floating and open as we INFJ's may seem, Judging types prefer to plan things ahead of time and give all things a structure with which to fit.  I am super organized and clean and detail oriented.  I'm not worried about how other people perceive this, but my main motivation is that I prefer this sort of structured environment as a way to create a somewhat predictable schedule for myself as well as give myself a small amount of control over something in my life (while fully acknowledging that there are few things that I truly can control... which makes having a clean house that much more satisfying to me). I am also a bit of a perfectionist, because in the fantastic words of David Rose (from Schitt's Creek), there are ways to do things that are categorically "CORRECT", or thoroughly "INCORRECT".  And it's not just a matter of the rule says this so follow the rule; for me there is a whole host of reasons why the rule exists and should be followed, and only very rarely "broken"... in which case the reasons for not following the rule need to be carefully weighed and have far better long term consequences than just simply following the rule.  It's very straightforward to me, but we may need to sit down one on one to discuss the specifics... so hit me up if you are ready for that discussion.

That was a whole lot of information about how I generally prefer to interact with and perceive the world around me, which I think is important for people to understand before I share the following.

This past weekend my sister and mother threw me the customary Baby Shower.  In theory I really like the idea of a shower where you can gather with friends and family and celebrate the coming of a new life.  At the same time, huge parties where I have to be the center of attention are NOT AT ALL a thing I'm super comfortable with or craving.  I love hosting parties, but I don't want to be the focus of the party.  I love talking with friends and family, but it feels super forced when there is a REASON for everyone to be together other than just good food and drinks to share.  And gifts... don't even get me started.  Of course I love to receive a nice gift, who doesn't?  But I hate the feeling that I have of people giving me a gift because it's the customary and expected thing to do, and I also get this weird guilty feeling as if I'm forcing people to buy gifts for me (Us, really since in this case they benefit the baby and Mr.).

Anyhow, you throw all of my aforementioned personality traits/functional preferences into a blender and add in the fact that I am hugely pregnant and tired and then pour that smoothie into a Baby Shower that is FOR ME AND MY UNBORN CHILD and you get one completely exhausted person.  I have a "hangover" from the weekend and I just can't quite recover.  Everyone was there for me!  And everyone wanted to talk to me!  And everyone brought wonderful gifts for me (and baby)! And everyone sat around watching me!  And all I could think about the whole time was how much I just wanted to go hide in the kitchen and eat my gluten free bundt cake, cry and then take a nap (and take my shirt off because I was SO SWEATY).  It makes me feel like an awful human being, like I'm a cold, rude person who is hoarding gifts and cake and doesn't want to say thank you or listen to anyone else.  It also makes me feel like an ungrateful ass who doesn't appreciate other people (which I know is not true of myself... but guilt/shame spirals are REAL) because I know my mom and sister put a lot of time, energy, money and work into throwing me a BEAUTIFUL and fun shower that I truly do appreciate.

Then comes the work that goes into unpacking and sorting all of the gifts and finishing setting up the baby's room.  It felt like I have been given one more project to do, and I'm already tired and overwhelmed.  I was so glad that it snowed on Monday morning and that I could work from home because having a weekend fully packed with "people-ing" truly did make me feel like I was physically ill and would die if I had to face anyone at all.  I spent the day working from my living room on my laptop (telecommuting for the win!) in my sweats, trying to rehydrate properly and eating tons of fruit.  Instead of a lunch break I took a nap, and then I started to organize the gifts we'd been given into categories that I could more easily manage and created a checklist of To Do's for myself to help organize the perceived chaos.  In the afternoon my sister who diligently took notes during the gift opening portion of the party sent me the list of who gifted us what and I created my Thank You Card list that I can start working on later this week as well.  In the end I felt SO MUCH BETTER and could actually appreciate what wonderful friends and family I have and how much love this little baby already has.  We got some incredibly amazing and thoughtful gifts (and found out I have some crafty friends and family!) and I don't know how we would make it in this life without the support of our friends and family.  Babies are EXPENSIVE YA'LL.

Ugh, that was a lot.  So if you've made it this far, thanks for sticking with me.

Morals of this story:

• Even when you know how you prefer to function, you can't always do that and there will be consequences (good and bad).
• Cut yourself some slack and take care of yourself- mentally, physically and emotionally.  
• Acknowledge your "negative" emotions and feel them, but don't dwell on them. You can only heal what you can feel.
• If you know an introvert, or someone whose functions and preferences are out of the extroverted/outgoing nature we like to impose on people here in the West please take a step back and try to not force things on them.  Respect boundaries and try to understand that people are all coming from different places.  Just because a crowded bar on a Friday night sounds like fun to you doesn't mean your bestie/spouse/partner is on the same page.  
• I'm super quirky and I know it.  
• Mr is literally the only person I could ever be in a long term relationship because he sees all of this and still loves me and is SO DAMN GOOD at respecting boundaries and helping me get back on track when I need it.  Also, he's the only person I can stand having in my space for more than a day (don't get the wrong idea, we still need our own space and time... but he's an introvert as well, so it works out).
• I really should just go back to school and continue my education in Psychology.

Final note- wanna hang out at my house, drink wine, eat cheese and talk about people stuff?  

3rd Tri Update

Oh man, you guys.  Things are moving so quickly!  I cannot believe we are into the 3rd trimester already.  Before the holidays I felt like we had ages to go, but now January has flown by and we have mere weeks before this babe could arrive.  I'm currently busy trying to make sure everything and everyone at work are prepared for my maternity leave, which is somewhat stressful.  Mr and I are trying to put the finishing touches on the baby's room.  The shower is scheduled for a couple weeks from now and all I want to do is stay at home and get all of the lingering house projects finished while I still can. And we only have a few more birthing classes to go!

Mr has been super amazing; he's been enthusiastic about our classes and awesome at practicing some of the homework they've been giving us (and I can't complain because some of this "homework" is massage/counter pressure to help with pregnancy and labor discomfort). He has taken over some of the more physical home tasks and chores since I've become less mobile/flexible.  He's also started researching all sorts of random baby things in his spare time (best books to read, best music and lullabies for newborns, art for the baby room, etc) and then excitedly sharing them with me.  I absolutely love it, and am so glad he is my partner in all of this.  This baby already has such a wonderful dad.

While on the whole things are pretty positive and going well, I am starting to feel like I'm ready to be done with being pregnant.  Am I happy we are pregnant and having a baby soon?  Of course, I am overjoyed!  Are there things that are less than pleasant that I am having to deal with?  Yes, and I knew that would be part of this journey.  I also want to point out that this is not an invitation to give me  your advice on what to do to solve these things I'm ranting about.  I'm a smart lady (most of the time) and have researched solutions and asked my doctors for advice, as well as some of my close friends who I know have experienced the same or similar pregnancy issues.  So you can go ahead and save your advice.  Sometimes I just need a little vent session to feel better, so without further ado, here are my current rants:

1. Sleep & Pain.  Growing a whole human inside your own body is amazing.  Sometimes I cannot believe that we can actually do this!  And while I mostly feel pretty good, physically, there are times (that are becoming more frequent as of late) where pain is a reminder of the vast changes taking place in my own body.  I've reached the point where I can no longer sleep in long chunks of time at night.  I think the max on the average night that I can go without waking up is about 2.5 hours. Why am I waking up so frequently?  Pain.  My hips and knees start to hurt after sleeping in one position for too long, so inevitably my body wakes me up to have me move to a new position.  Yes, I've got the pregnancy pillows and bolsters (my side of the bed is a pillow fortress at this point) and have found that some things work much better than others at helping to keep me at an optimal/comfortable position a little longer, but I still end up having to wake up several times a night due to pain and discomfort.  By the wee hours of the morning it doesn't really matter what position I move into, my body is already uncomfortable everywhere and therefore I don't get much, if any, sleep between the hours of 3:30am and 6:00am when I typically wake up and start to get ready for my day.  Some days I am SO TIRED because of the lack of continuous sleep that it's a struggle to do basic things.

The other pain I'm discovering exists is sciatic pain.  Yay!  I've never in my life experienced this until now.  And in my case, it usually hits me after a few hours of physical work (deep cleaning the house, organizing the baby room, cleaning out the extra bedroom, etc).  What has been happening is that I will do a project on a Saturday morning (like paint the baby room, etc) and then in the afternoon once the project is complete (or at a good stopping point) I will sit and read or take a nap, and then when I get up from the easier activity of the afternoon I get crazy shooting pains that originate from my hip area into my lower back and down into my legs.  This usually happens when I get up from sitting or lying down and continues for the next day or two after the activity.   I will say that I am WAY less physical than I was before pregnancy.  I don't feel like I'm pushing myself too hard and I take care to lift properly and not strain and to ask Mr for help.  But here we are. My lovely mother bought me a support band and that has helped some, so it could be worse, right?

2.  I miss hard workouts.  That's a weird one, right?  And although I've never been an ultra marathoner or power lifter, I do enjoy a challenging workout... one where you get super drippy with sweat and your muscles start to fail and you end your workout feeling like you successfully climbed Mount Everest.  I used to LOVE spin class; I took it about twice a week on average pre-pregnancy and though it was difficult I always looked forward to the days when I had that class.  I went to 1 spin class very shortly after I became pregnant and realized that I just couldn't do it.  My body did not have the energy it once did and I felt pretty gross afterwards.  I also used to love lifting heavy weights a few times a week.  It always gave me a powerful feeling, so of course I thought this was something I might be able to continue.  While I can still lift weights while pregnant, I can't lift the heavier weights and I definitely can't push myself to the point where I'm sweaty and breathless from it.  I still work out plenty; prenatal yoga, prenatal Pilates, and lots of long semi-brisk walks each week, but it's not the same intensity that I grew to love so I'm looking forward to the day when I have the energy to challenge myself again.

3. Maternity Clothing.  You Guys.  Like all clothing, maternity clothing varies GREATLY by brand.  Sizing & fit is all over the place, colors/patterns/materials are somewhat limited and what constitutes as maternity is also subjective.  I have found a few good pieces to get me through, but its a struggle each month as my  belly grows to keep up with basics.  And don't even get me started on maternity activewear. There are a few companies that make maternity activewear, and even fewer that make AFFORDABLE maternity activewear.  Like, are you guys nuts?  I'm not spending $95 on leggings that I will only be wearing for a few months total.  Target and Old Navy have been my saving graces here so far.  I just wish more physical store locations had maternity sections so I could try things on instead of gambling on if something online will actually fit me/ look the way I want it to.  I've won some and I've lost far more with online ordering.

I also have an issue with maternity underwear and bras.  The styles of underwear and super limited and the types of fabrics they use are just... too thick?  I've finally just sized up in my favorite regular underwear and make it work.  As for bras, I've spent more money on bras in the last 7 months than I have in the last 7 years.  HOLY CRAP.  These ladies just keep growing, and now my ribcage is expanding and nothing fits exactly right.  I'm just trying to make do until I have to get some nursing bras.

4. People's unhelpful comments & advice.  For the most part, I know people want to connect in ways that that convey that they've been where I've been.  It's just human nature to find commonalities and want to talk about them.  Inevitably in conversations people ask how the pregnancy is going (or something along the lines of pregnancy, baby, etc) and I, being a super honest and genuine person, typically respond truthfully.  If I'm having a hard day because I didn't sleep well the night before then I say that.  What is 100% NOT HELPFUL is when someone responds with "advice", like "well, you won't be getting much sleep once the baby comes anyway, so it's nature's way of getting you ready!". Oh yeah, Susan?  SUCK IT. I'm not telling you because I wan't advice, I'm responding truthfully to a question that you asked. Does your comment help me get more sleep?  No?  THEN DON'T MAKE IT!!! Also, I'd like to point out that not every baby wakes up every 2 hours to feed/be changed/etc, and while I concede that some do and some babies are more challenging than others, none of that is helpful since the baby is still inside of me and I would still like to be getting more sleep RIGHT NOW. 

My other favorite type of comment are once that people preface with things like, "Not to be a bummer but....*insert advice or anecdote about babies/pregnancy/parenting here*....".  Ok, so then DON'T BE A BUMMER.  If you need to preface what you are about to say with a qualifier about it being depressing/off-putting then please rethink saying it. I can tell you right now that literally nothing I've been told has been new information to me.  I have a younger sister, so I got to watch my mother go through pregnancy/birth/newborn stage/toddlerhood with her.  I have friends who have kids and have watched them go through it as well.  I like to think that I am an informed person who is more than aware of what the CHOICE OF PREGNANCY Mr and I have made will mean in our lives, now and in the future.  Be supportive and understanding, not an unhelpful ass.


5.  My brain.  Oh, pregnancy brain is totally a thing.  I mean, I'd heard about it before but never really understood it.  There's a new level of forgetfulness in my life right now and it's infuriating but also a little hilarious.  Why did I put the remote control in the refrigerator when I was making my lunch this morning?  I have no recollection of even doing that, but it happened.  Mr told me about a class he was taking- dates/times/etc and 10 minutes later I had completely forgotten about the entire conversation and scheduled a thing for us to do at that exact date/time.  I forget common words constantly, and I lose track of what I'm talking about mid sentence sometimes.  I'm lucky that I'm surrounded by people who have been pregnant before or have spouses/partners that have gone through this so no one is really giving me a hard time, but it's just frustrating to feel like I'm just not on it the way I used to be.  I really miss my old brain and the way it could organize and handle information.

6. Energy.  I am a busy body.  Up until pregnancy, even on easy days where I didn't have much that I had to do, I was always doing SOMETHING. I like to feel productive and I like to be independent and get things done on my own, it's just who I am.  I don't expect other people to be that way at all, but it's just my way and I'd gotten used to GO GO GO.  For me, pregnancy has zapped me of any extra energy to do the projects that I used to do.  Cleaning and organizing are fun and soothing for me and a typical Saturday morning pre-pregnancy was to get up, eat some breakfast, make a giant mug of coffee and then deep clean the house.  I'm talking wipe down the baseboards while listening to rock music and breaking a sweat clean.  Now I fold some laundry and vacuum the bedroom and I need to have a little rest and some water.  Things that used to take me and hour now take me 2... or sometimes a few minutes each day for a week.  I try to give myself a lot of grace and patience because I am, in fact, growing a whole human in my body, but slowing down is hard for me.  I'm lucky that I have a partner who picks up the slack when I can't get to something now and who reminds me to be nice to myself and focus on being well for our baby. It's not all bad, it's an adjustment.

7.  Medication.  I'm not a huge medications person... if I have a headache my first go-to remedy is usually a big glass of water and some rest before I take any OTC meds for it.  Boy do I miss being able to pop a Sudafed when I'm too stuffed up to blow my nose or drink an extra latte on the random afternoon when I get the blahs.


In reality it's not all bad, and I'm really looking forward to the days when this little one is out of my body and able to interact with both Mr and I.  It will be so fun to show her all of our favorite things and teach her about the world.  But for right now I just need a little rant (and probably a nap).

Too Much and Not Enough

... of so many things right now.  Too much to do, not enough time.  Too much "stuff", not enough of the necessities. I'm a fairly organized and structured person and I'm having to take breaks and do some self care to get through it.  Not that it's all bad.  This will be a little bit of a dive into my inner workings- a tiny peek into my personality, how I like to structure my life and surroundings, and the things I struggle with.  And I'll put this warning early on- if you proceed, you will need to read to the end of this post, lest you think I'm trying to guilt or manipulate people into doing or buying EXACTLY WHAT I WANT... which is false.  But you must read on to understand. Hold on to your butts, 'cause this is a long one!

Let's start with the "too much stuff" part.  Babies are pretty straightforward.  They need to be fed, kept warm, kept clean, and loved.  You would think they don't need that much stuff, and if you really look at it, they don't actually need that much "stuff".  I've been all over the minimalist baby lists and blogs and tried to incorporate some of the tips and advice into what we are planning.  I also realize that unlike some folks, we have a nice amount of space in our home to enable us to be able to provide our little one with her own room- which she may or may not use right away, but hopefully will appreciate when she is older if she is anything like her introverted parents.  A side note- I hate the word "nursery" so Mr. and I have been calling it "the Baby's room".  Another side note- our house is far from huge, but it has been ample space for 2 adults, 2 very small dogs and the occasional guest.  I REQUIRE lots of personal space.  One day I will write a totally separate post on this and how we are doing a disservice to young people by not giving them enough personal space. Moving on.

Since we have the space, we opted to get furniture for said Baby room, so we registered for a crib (that converts into a toddler bed, and then eventually to a full sized normal bed so we don't have to keep buying beds as she grows up), a changing table/dresser (that converts into a regular old dresser when we no longer need a changing table), a side table, a glider with foot stool, and a storage bench (to store future toys and books, but also sits nicely in the bump-out window space with little cushions on top so she can eventually sit and read or play there... but in the mean time is a landing spot for our dog Rudy who LOVES to look out that window).  We also registered for other items that, after lots of research and wonderful recommendations from our friends and family, we carefully compiled and are hoping will help make raising this babe easier on everyone.

And then there are definitely things that we put on the registries that are "nice to haves", and won't necessarily make our lives any easier... but they will make the Baby's room cuter, or even the Baby herself "cuter"... or at least entertaining for us.  We tried so hard to stay away from just getting a list of "STUFF" and checking off all of those boxes because no one wants useless items just taking up space and needing to be cleaned/organized or shuffled around the house (or garage/attic).

If you know much about me, you know that I'm a bit Type A.  I don't like things to be disorganized or messy.  I don't feel well when things are out of place.  I need things to have a "home", and then to be in that "home" when they are no longer in use.  I always strive to be prepared, but not burdened with unnecessary things.  I also have anxiety and  part of how I deal with that is control.  If I've had a frustrating day you'll likely find me cleaning and organizing to de-stress. I need a certain type of structure to feel ok.  I love To Do Lists and calendars and making schedules. And do you know what is structured and organized and that I can control? Registries.

I LOVE that registries are a thing.  There is such peace of mind in knowing that someone will tell you what they think they need, and in the style and quantity that they want.  You know you are then going to select a gift that they actually will want and use.  And I love that I can communicate exactly what I think I will need, in the style and colors that will fit our theme and our "style".  This is where you find rule followers and rule breakers of registries and gift giving.  First off, let me say that I LOVE my family and friends SO MUCH, and we appreciate the heck out of them and all they do for us. I always appreciate a gift and assume that if someone is giving me something it is because they love and care about me and want me to be happy and well taken care of.  Please do not take this as me complaining about gifts, because that is not in the spirit that this is intended. And now need to tell you a little story about what happened when Mr and I first got married.

Mr and I both had lived in apartments and living spaces before moving in together that necessitated us having our own "stuff" like pots and pans, baking dishes, dish cloths, bath towels, kettles, etc.  When we got our first apartment together, it took us a little bit of time to get rid of our duplicated items and upgrade to real "adult" stuff together.  Then we got engaged and bought a house all about the same time, which was ideal because now we would now have our OWN home to start our "new lives" in.  We approached our wedding registry with the idea that we could pick what will go into our new ADULT HOME together and it will be great!  We are not big on gifts for the sake of gifts, so in reality needed very little for our new home and didn't register for a ton of stuff.  To be honest we registered for more outdoor and camping gear than house stuff because we knew we would actually use and enjoy those items more than a matching set of spatulas (ours were and are just fine, thank you).

For the most part, our families and friends were willing to stick to the items that we registered for, or if they knew us really well and saw "the perfect thing" would also get us very thoughtful gifts that were specific to us and our lifestyle and that we loved and cherished (in some cases, still love and cherish and use) that were not on our registry.  Then we had some rogues.  All told, at one point shortly after our wedding we had 5 Crockpot style slow cookers in our possession. FIVE. SLOW. COOKERS.  How did that happen?  I'll tell you.  People went OFF REGISTRY. Which can be fine... if you know us well and you've managed to spot that PERFECT ITEM THAT YOU JUST KNOW WE WILL LOVE (I've actually gotten many gifts like this over the year and still have many of them).

The thing was, we already had 2 slow cookers from when we combined household items in the first convergence of our lives together.  We had one larger slow cooker for roasts and main dishes, and then a smaller one for sides/sauces.  We were perfectly content with those 2 appliances, therefore we chose NOT to add another one to our registry.   Mr and I received 3 full sized slow cookers as wedding gifts.  Not ones look a gift horse in the mouth (or 3), we thanked the gift givers for their generosity, and then between us hoped that we could return them and use the store credit for other items that we actually wanted or needed (namely, a vacuum that actually worked versus the cheap one that we'd been getting by with in our much smaller apartment now that we had 2 dogs and double the amount of carpet to clean in our house).  We actually got to return one (thank the LORB for gift receipts) for store credit, and gifted another to someone who desperately wanted a slow cooker but could not afford one.  The third slow cooker ended up donated to someone's church/school/something fundraiser because it hung out in the box, unopened in our garage for almost a year before I found it again and was like WE DON'T NEED THIS AND WE DON'T KNOW WHAT STORE IT CAME FROM BUT IT MUST GO NOW OR JEEBUS HELP ME I'LL LOSE MY MIND.

Let me pause and say this:  Slow cookers are amazing.  I use ours all fall and winter for soups, stews, roasts and the like.  I get why people really like them and want to give them as gifts to young couples that may not know the magic of the slow cooker, but there was a reason we didn't have one on the registry- because we already knew of the majesty of the slow cooker and owned 2 perfectly good ones.  I also acknowledge that perhaps sometimes someone runs out of time or ideas and just "re-gifts" an item, which may well have been the case here. No judgement, it happens, but some judgement because make sure what you are re-gifting will be enjoyed/used by that person... just a good life tip.

My point in all of this is that sometimes people see a hole where there isn't one, or a lack of knowledge where there isn't a lack of anything other than information.  Someone may not have registered for an item not for lack of needing that item or knowing about it, but because they already have it or something similar or simply don't need that thing.  And this is important because we are getting to the point in this pregnancy where people are wanting to buy us gifts!  Which is awesome and we are BEYOND GRATEFUL that people love us so much and want to help us out.  Babies are expensive, dude, and any help we can get we will take. 

Anyway, so here we are with our registries and impending baby showers about to be scheduled and I'm starting to get a little bit panicky.  I'm worried that we've spent time and energy researching and really thinking about what we need and want for this tiny life we are about to have and that people are going to disregard it and get whatever they want/like.  I'm worried that after all is said and done I will have 100 more things added to my To Do List.  I know this sounds picky or bitchy to some people, and know that I'm not so crude and ungrateful that I would ever say something negative to someone about a gift they had given me and that I truly would be thankful that I was given anything at all. I know it reflects a little of my control and anxiety issues and I completely own that.  But I also want to put it another way for those people that have a hard time sympathizing:

A gentle reminder that it does not do anyone any good to have something they can't actually use or want in their space. It then becomes a project or an item on their To Do List, which is the last thing you want to add to a person's life... especially a pregnant tired person who already has a To Do List 10 miles long to get through before a baby shows up.  You also may not know WHY they don't have something on their list and you may be correct that they don't know that this amazing thing exists!  But you may be wrong as well.  I would say that it is perfectly ok to get someone a gift that you absolutely love and think is great, but I would say that if it's not on their registry or something you know they would love to have you may also want to get something you know they want in addition to the gift you want to give (or in place of that gift you wanted to give).  Please make sure you aren't causing stress and adding to people's task lists by giving them a gift.  When in doubt, get a gift receipt.

Now that everyone hates me, I will say that there is a caveat to this and that is HOMEMADE GIFTS.  If you craft or create something as a gift I will love and cherish that item until it disintegrates because homemade gifts are THE BEST.  People that can craft or create something with raw materials and their own hands can give me whatever their little heart desires because I love that shit and I know how much time and energy and money goes into crafting. *steps off of the soapbox*

And now back I go into the pregnancy hole that I crawled out of to try to take a nap.