"Type A"

 Some people meet me and start to think, "Wow, she's super Type A," or "why is she such a perfectionist?  Does she ever rest?".  I always wore my "perfectionism" as a badge of honor- I am hardworking, I am diligent, I am intelligent.  But if you really know me you know that it's only part of who I am.  I would even argue that some of those attributes were formed as a defense mechanism against racism and sexism in our society.  Let me explain, but before I do that I want to say that this is all from my own experience, and the "rules" that I've observed seemed to be present for me in those locations, times, cultures, etc. 

When I was younger people would often comment, "Oh you are so smart!" As if it was surprising that a little mixed race girl could be intelligent; as if that was not the "normal" that they were used to.  I was always super uncomfortable with that type of "compliment", and for a long time I thought it was just because I've always been a little bit awkward.  As I've gotten older I realized that I was uncomfortable with the assumption that it was out of the ordinary for someone like me, brown and female, to be intelligent and able to learn things quickly.  What did these people expect of me, if my intelligence was what surprised them?

Is the assumption that because I'm a girl that I can't be as smart as you expect?  Or is it that because I'm not a blonde, blue-eyed, fair skinned person that I could be as smart, or smarter, than your expectations?  I think it's a bit of both.  

As a child I always worked to learn as much as I could and then try to demonstrate that; part of that is my natural state but part of it was learned.  As I went through school I realized, through some pretty overt and some less obvious incidents, that it was an expectation that if you weren't totally white you just wouldn't be as smart as a white person.  I grew up moving around a lot, so I was able to experience a lot of different regional American cultures.  Some areas we lived in were more liberal and others were more conservative.  Some places had palpably racist cultures while some had more covert or subtle racism. Overall the messaging to me has always been that dominant white culture will expect you to be less intelligent if you are not part of dominant white culture/not white presenting.  And if you happened to be female, then the expectation was even lower, regardless of your skin color.

Knowing this fueled me to constantly prove people wrong.  They would initially see a little dark haired, olive-skinned girl who was quiet and reserved, but I would try to find any opportunity to show them that I was smart, that I had potential.  The only way I could usually demonstrate this was through my school work.  Grades meant the world to me, being assigned to the "advanced" reading groups, the "smarter" math class- all of these things I would work for and collect as tokens of my self-worth so I could show them off to the authority figures in my life as if to say "Look, I am MORE than you expected of me.  I'm BETTER than what you thought I was".  I had seen their initial judgement of me, and how that judgment had been detrimental to others around me, and I was doing what I could do keep that from being a shared life-sentence. 

I have to pause here and say that I would have been much less successful at this if I didn't have parents who were supportive and could foster my learning and growth as much as they could while also having jobs and adult things to worry about.  It also helps that I have a mother who already knew what I was facing having lived through a lot of it herself growing up on a reservation surrounded by towns that were predominantly white and biased against the native peoples near them.

Another few things I learned about dominant culture that shaped the decisions I made for myself were:

1.  Non-white people are dirty

2. Non-white people are lazy.

3. Non-white people are not trustworthy.

Because of these things I became fastidious; I couldn't have people thinking I was dirty!  This was reinforced by my own mother because a common stereotype when she was growing up was the "dirty Indian", so she also became extremely clean in her personal appearance as well as how she kept her home. When I was young it was always a priority to make sure that my sister and I never the left the house in dirty clothes or even looked slightly unkempt- hair always clean and combed, outfits always crisply ironed and matching (it was the late 80's/early 90's so of course EVERY PART of our outfits matched).  I internalized that and as I got older I would never leave the house if I wasn't fully dressed, hair and makeup done.  That's since relaxed a bit, but I still prefer to not go out, even for a quick errand, unless I'm somewhat presentable.

Because of the above I worked extremely hard at everything I did; I never wanted to be accused of being lazy.

Because of the above I took loyalty, fairness, and honesty very seriously as I didn't want to be thought of as untrustworthy.

There is a whole lot of unseen work that non-white people have to do just to be seen as "normal" and then we get called out for it as if it's supposed to be a compliment.  We are being told, "See, you aren't like them, you are better because you are more like us," which in and of itself is such a messed up message to send to someone.  If we do something that they expect of us, then we are reinforcing those racist tropes, but if we break out and surprise them then we are told we are an exception to the stereotype, but the trope still remains. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.  And don't even get me started on the double standards that exist between dominant white culture and minorities.  That may have to be a whole separate post.

These stupid stereotypes also cause a lot of infighting within minority cultures.  I've had other native people tell me that I think I'm better than them because I don't live on a reservation, because I speak "proper" English, because (insert here).  My mom has had the same things told to her as well.  Because we figured out how to work within the dominant system so that we could lessen the burden of racist stereotypes on ourselves we are now an "enemy" to some; part of the system that keeps them down.  It's a hard place to be.  And I know people of other minority races and cultures that feel this same way and deal with these complexities.

So, no, I don't really think that I am "Type A" purely by birth.  It has been a lifetime of having to learn what was expected and then having to exceed that expectation to be, not even seen, but respected as a human being.  It's exhausting.

A Salad Bowl of ...

Ok guys.  

I needed a couple of days to process a crazy conversation I had with someone before sharing, but I did want to share with you all so you have some insight into what being BIPOC entails on a regular basis.  This most recent incident was... a salad bowl of racism, white saviorism, cultural appropriation, religious zealotry and little shake of mania served to me via a social media messaging service.  Here we go. 

**Warning- there will be adult language used**

I had an acquaintance from high school send me a friend request.  I assumed that he was bored working from home like so many of us and was probably filling his time by reaching out to people he used to know.  I accepted his request because, after all, we had gone to school together, and we had a few "friends" in common.  I heard nothing from him for a few days, then I got a message from him basically saying hi and that it looked like I was having a nice life since he’d seen me last, and that he was happy to see that I had a good job with a well known company.

I responded saying thanks, asking how he was doing, the usual polite things and hoping he wasn’t going to ask me to help him get a job (I get that A LOT). His response after that was... a bit too religious for my taste, but whatever, everyone gets to live their life and believe what they want.  I told him I was so glad he was happy, and then assumed the interaction was probably over.

Several minutes later he messaged again and asked me if “I had any Native American background in [your] family”.  

My heart sped up a little because in my experience only a few things can follow:

1. A claim that the person is also “native” by way of a very, very distant relative that was also native royalty (not a thing, guys, but that's for a different post).
2. They want me to answer a question that puts me in the position of speaking for a whole group of people. Not cool, I am not a spokesperson, just a person with my own ideas and viewpoints that happens to belong to a minority group.
3. They are genuinely curious about me and want to have a nice, respectful conversation.

I was hoping for #3 so much. So I proceeded with trepidation.  I kept it short and sweet.  Yes, I’m Native.  Why do you ask?

His answer was a relief at first.  Yes he was just curious and is just generally curious about Native cultures. 

But then he continued ... he had Native relatives (by marriage, not blood) but they were 100% native!

Let’s pause and unpack this one for a second. Why do non Native people really want to claim some piece of being Indigenous or connected to Natives? It does not endear you to me; in fact, it usually puts me off when someone does this. 

Second, when you start bringing up blood quantum and heritage percentages I immediately get prickly. That is a very white-centric way of thinking about things that comes from colonization and is not based in how most, but not all, tribes qualify tribal affiliation or identity.

Third, this doesn’t validate anything for me.  Just because you know someone else that is some (unverifiable to me) measure of native/indigenous does not legitimize what you have to say to me.  

Back to the conversation. He then proceeds to tell me that he’s in contact with a group of native people. 

I don’t know what that even means or why it’s relevant, but ok. 

Oh and also he’s been talking to them about Covid-19. 

Where is this going to go?  Is he in healthcare?

When he offers no other messages I respond with a note telling him I’m glad he’s interested in native cultures and hope he continues to spend time researching them and learning about our histories, and to have an awesome day.  

I hoped and prayed we were done.

We were not.

A few minutes later he sends another message: he’s been doing lots of research!  And it’s this learning, along with the recent r*dskins issue that he has brought him back to knowing “god”!

What the actual fuck?  At this point I don’t know exactly how to respond.  I have no idea which way this is going or what to even do. So I pause.   

I took a minute to try to sort though my own thoughts and then I thought maybe I should peek at his social media profile and see what possible road we were starting to go down.

Holy shit. You guys. I learned a really good lesson:  check out someone’s profile BEFORE you accept their friend request.  I should have. I assumed that since I knew this person a tiny bit almost 20 years ago that it would be fine.  It was not fine. 

He had all sorts of posts that directly oppose my values; some in particular that had to do with the topic at hand (as far as I could tell). Having gotten more information, I struggled with exactly what to say.  I figured asking a question would be the best step forward so I wasn’t assuming anything.

I asked: what do you mean regarding the r*dskins issue?

Him: You know the drama of them removing the logo

Me: yes, of course I know about that, but how did that bring you to know god?

Guys, take a seat, take some deep breaths.

You ready?  Ok.

Him: I just realized I had to reclaim that warrior spirit and stop letting them take our rights away. God was calling me to be a soldier to fight for the Dakota Sioux.

Yeah...

So many things to examine. I’ve created a list to help me to organize it all:

1. You can’t reclaim something that isn’t yours to begin with. Please stop trying to own something that is not part of your own culture.  Appreciate it, research it, talk about it, but it’s NOT YOURS so don’t grab for it like it is.
2. “Our” rights aren’t on the table here if you aren’t part of “our” group to begin with. Also, I’m not exactly sure what rights he’s alluding to.
3. Believe whatever you want, but maybe check yourself before bringing up what “god” wants when speaking to an Indigenous person.  “God” is the reason for so much Indigenous loss and erasure. Do your homework... Indian Schools or the Doctrine of Discovery for starters.
4. BIPOC don’t need a white savior.  We don’t need to be saved at all, we need people in positions of power to actually listen to us and help make changes to the systems that continue to keep us down, which includes having us be part of the conversation. This is not the chance for you to swoop in and do anything for us.  
5. What exactly are you fighting for?  Seems unclear.

It took me a beat, but I decided to continue with my questions versus try to reason, because my logical brain knew that this person had clearly already started the engine and released the brakes of this thought train. 

Me: I’m glad you want to help, but I’m unsure that I follow what you are actually trying to say

Him: BLM + Nike = hate shown towards Natives and interest to further marginalize them.  The Navajo Nation doesn’t speak for all Natives

Well I sure am glad that all makes sense!! What?  

Me: Ok, let’s address your first point.  How does the Black Lives Matter movement and Nike show hate towards natives?  And when did the Navajo nation try to speak for all natives?

Him: I am a white man who got all the info from Native people.  I can ask my contact with credentials to help you understand but I don’t have time personally

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

Instead of clarifying what he meant or explaining his previous statements to me he dives right into trying to tell me that the Black Lives Matter movement and an athletic-wear company are detrimental to me in some way and shows hatred?  

I honestly don't know how a movement that is trying to create equity and justice for a minority group of people is taking anything away from me or other minority groups.  The way I see it,  "a rising tide raises all ships".  If we make things better for one minority group, we make it easier for things to get better for others.  Smarter people than myself have distilled it down into an easy way to explain it that I like, "It's not pie.  Just because one person gets more of something doesn't mean I then get less".

How does an athletic shoe and apparel company have anything to do with hating Natives?  If he had done his homework he would know that Nike has the N7 foundation and comes out with N7 footwear and apparel collections a couple of times a year that directly benefit Native and Indigenous youth and their communities through a grant program.  They also have a diverse group of employee networks that specifically support minorities, further education, celebrate diversity and connect those minority groups to resources inside and outside of the workplace.  How is that showing any hatred at all?  No company or workplace is perfect, but the good folks at Nike are FAR from hating a minority group or causing further marginalization of a minority group.

Then he goes on to bring up that the Navajo Nation has somehow spoken for all Natives?  When did this happen?  I am connected to a few native and indigenous media outlets, writers, and journalists so you'd think maybe I'd hear if this was something happening in my community, but alas, no such thing has come up.  Perhaps he's confusing what one or two Native/Indigenous people have said about something and applied it to mean that they were trying to be spokespeople for ALL Native/Indigenous people?  Who really knows here.

In my response I ask very direct questions to hopefully get some clarification on the bullshit he's just spat at me and maybe what exactly he's talking about.  

Of course he's not going to answer these questions!  But he will go ahead and insinuate that I don't know about my OWN INDIGENOUS COMMUNITY and that he could help me get that information.  Information that he's gotten from other Native People that, clearly he thinks, know much more than me.  Oh, and these people have CREDENTIALS!!!  Because HE doesn't have time to EDUCATE ME.

Well get me their numbers, STAT, because I definitely need to speak with them and learn SO MANY THINGS!

I definitely know what's going on.  I've been an Indigenous person MY ENTIRE LIFE.  I didn't just get connected to some "native" folks recently and then start claiming heritage to seem "cool" or "woke".  My mother raised me to be a strong Indigenous woman, to take part in my tribal duties, to support my sovereign Nation and to ensure that our culture doesn't die.  I've been made fun of, I've been bullied, I've been purposefully embarrassed by educators, I've been fetishized... the list goes on.  You don't get to come to me and tell me that I don't know the "native" perspective on something and that you, an ignorant white man, can help me figure it out.

FULL STOP.

A little advice- Do not EVER jump into a conversation, refuse to answer questions because you are out of your depths, and then insinuate that the person who is asking the questions doesn't know what's going on because it makes you look like an absolute prick. And it infuriates the person you are talking to.  

I, of course, did not want to continue the conversation, so I told him as much, in a very restrained and polite way.  I then promptly unfriended and blocked him so that I could stop having any interaction.  You sometimes just have to protect your own health and well-being.

This is just a little bit of the invisible work that happens CONSTANTLY to your BIPOC friends/family/neighbors/coworkers.  And it's just one example of what we have to deal with.

Way back before the global pandemic and the resurgence of the BLM movement I was talking with Mr. about doing a blog series on some of the racism I've experienced in my life.  It comes up time and time again when he tells me things from his work as an educator and it will remind me of incidents that happened to me as a child.  I don't think non BIPOC individuals or groups have any idea that some of the people they know and love experience these things so frequently.  They don't know that my existence differs so much from theirs because of the color of my skin.  People don't understand that a small frustration for you could be the 1,000th thing I've had to process that day and I JUST DON'T HAVE THE ENERGY FOR IT ANYMORE so maybe that's why I get snippy or sound rude, or have a little angry moment.

So I'm going to do it.  I'll be starting a series on how I've experience racism in my life so far.  I hope it can help some people.  I don't want to do it as a "see how much I suffer" sort of thing, but as a way to give you a different perspective.

Be Kind.  It's not that hard.