Stop Being Ableist Against Pregnant People... Or Any People Really

First let me start by saying that most people can't tell that I'm pregnant at first glance.  I just don't "look" pregnant yet... although I definitely feel pregnant.  But most of my coworkers know at this point, and it goes without saying that our friends and family all know by now as well.  For the most part people are very excited when they hear the news, and they like to ask me how "we" are doing when they see me.  I am actually fine with giving people updates and it's sort of nice to know that people are interested in this pregnancy and our one-day child.

There are a few things that can be difficult when interacting with others, though.  Some I've mentioned before (**cough, cough** UNSOLICITED ADVICE **cough**) but what has me riled up right now is that for some reason people started thinking that pregnant women aren't supposed to do anything physical.  I bent down to pick up my very petite purse at work the other day, I was NOT struggling to bend over or pick it up and a coworker stopped mid-conversation to say, "Oh be careful!  I can get that for you!! You're pregnant!".  I didn't mean to react the way I did, but boy did she get a death glare.  And then I responded with,"You know I have to bend over several times a day to do things like put my socks and shoes on, feed my dogs, etc and I'm fine, right?" It was a little salty, but COME ON FOLKS. Also, I KNOW I'm pregnant, but thank you for informing me (I kept that comment to myself).

Yes, I'm pregnant, and it does not disable me in any way at this point. A good strategy would be to wait for me to ask for some help before acting like I could be injuring my unborn child by bending over/carrying some mail/pushing an empty wagon. This scenario is not limited to the above example, but you get it.

I know that some folks have some physical limitations and they do need a little extra help when pregnant, but please ASK us first.  I'm an independent human being and I can definitely ask for help before I need it or if I think it's necessary. I have had discussions in the past with people about ableism and making assumptions about someone we may perceive as being lesser-abled than ourselves or someone else.  Typically all people would like to be respected and considered competent to get through their own lives without assistance, and having someone swoop in before assessing the situation fully and considering how we may feel can be a bit off-putting (for various reasons) and sometimes harmful.

One of my good friends has some limited physical mobility due to cerebral palsy.  We've discussed, on multiple occasions, how people will make assumptions about his physical abilities based off of his appearance and a lot of times those assumptions are pretty disrespectful and not helpful to him in any way. There are definitely times when he does need help, and he has no qualms about asking for it:  on a hike a few years ago on a drizzly Saturday with a group of our friends, he asked a couple of us to walk near him in case he needed to steady himself on the rocky sloping trail.  I'm so glad he asked for that help because the trail was indeed very slippery in spots and even those of us with quick reflexes and exceptional balance had some hairy moments that day. 

There have been other times where complete strangers will see him and make an assumption and try to force their help onto him: he has a story that is now comedic but was infuriating at the time, about when some well-meaning people tried to insist that he take a ride home from them at night outside of a local bar... not creepy at all.  He had been at a bar very near his home when he decided he would wander home for the evening.  A few bystanders saw him swaying a bit as he stood and made the assumption that he needed some help because he had possibly overindulged, which he had not... he just happens to be a little more off balance than the rest of us because of the physical manifestations of his CP.  They asked if he wanted a ride and he politely declined.  He continued to stand for a minute and take inventory of his things and check his phone before he was on his way and these strangers continued to pester him and tell him that they could easily drive him home, to the point where someone drove up with a van and the people kept bothering my dear friend to get in the car and let them drive him.  The thing is, he didn't live but a few blocks away and easily could walk, however he didn't want to tell strangers this and then have people know where he lived.  He also was not intoxicated and could make his own decisions just fine on his own.  Rather than listen to him, these people rather rudely insisted that they knew better than my friend did on how to get him home. 

Folks, you can't push your help on people, even if you think you are doing the right thing.  If you ask and your help is declined, be polite and move on.  There are various reasons that someone may not want or need your help and people need to respect that.  My friend here may look physically like he needs help, and sometimes he actually does!  But his answer in almost all situations is to ask him if he needs assistance first, not to assume that he will need it (one caveat to this is that some of us have been around him long enough to know when we can assume he needs the help... but that's what good friends do!).

In any case, making assumptions about what someone can or cannot do without involving them in that discussion is not very respectful.  Pregnancy has not turned me into glass, I will not shatter by doing normal life things.  In fact, pregnancy and labor can be an extremely physical endeavor so a few extra bends and squats will probably do me some good these days.  And remember, ASK people if they need assistance and read the clues.

Survival Mode, XX, And All the Names

13 weeks, folks.  We are finally into the 2nd trimester.  There are days when I forget that I'm pregnant, there are days that everything is amazing and I can't believe there is life growing inside of me... and then there are days where everything is awful and I'm just trying to survive and not barf all over everything. But do you know what makes it all better? We finally know!

Mr and I found out last week that our little has two X chromosomes! (that means that we are having a little female human).  For the sake of ease in conversation we are using female pronouns in reference to the babe for the time being (she, her, hers).

We are so excited to finally know.  It's one more piece in the puzzle of facts that makes up our little peach and it's been nice to be able to narrow our possible name list down a bit more. Announcing to our friends and family has been super fun, but it has also opened the floodgates of opinions around names.  What the hell, folks?  Everyone calm down!  We, like most people, have names that we already like and had been considering as possibilities.  We are not into getting feedback on our possibilities, nor will we be confirming a name until this baby makes her debut.  Has that stopped people from lobbing their preferred baby names at us?  It most certainly has not!  When in the history of ever has someone taken a suggested name for their offspring?  It must have happened at some point, but I would wager that it is a rare event.

Also, you can't "call dibs" on a name.  I have had several people tell me what we "can't" name our child, and while those names haven't been on our preferred list, unless you currently have a baby in your womb you don't get to tell other people they can't have a name.  Obviously these people forget that you don't get to tell me what to do.  If it wasn't affecting another life (my child's) I would take that name just to show you that you, in fact, CANNOT tell me what not to do (thanks, Mom, for the fierce independence and spite streak!).  So far though, I haven't liked the "dibs" names anyway, so no spite-naming.

So there is my pretty short update for this week because I really just need to go take a nap now.